


Propeller Seeds

by StuckyFanBoy



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-04
Updated: 2012-08-26
Packaged: 2017-11-11 09:28:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 29,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/477070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StuckyFanBoy/pseuds/StuckyFanBoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Story of Kaidan & Nathan Shepard, post-EC. A story of rescue & recovery, with flashbacks. M/M Romance. No in-game scene.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Priority: Earth: Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: Title shamelessly stolen from Imogen Heap. There will be no “in-game” scenes, meaning I’m not rescripting something you’ve already played. Please feel free to leave comments, suggestions, etc. No one grows without help!

Kaidan watched Shepard disappear as they flew away, to safety, retreating. The stupid tank… if he’d been faster, Shepard wouldn’t have sent him away. Kaidan had sworn to be there with him, right up until the end, and now…  
No. It’s not the end. He said he’d be waiting for me. I have to trust him.  
Just because they were evacuating didn’t mean they were out of trouble, though. The Normandy’s stealth drive was active, as it had been for much of the last couple of months, but Joker was bobbing and weaving the ship through the battle raging above Earth. He had to get up to the Bridge. Kaidan was in charge now.  
Dr Michele was there in the shuttle bay, and he waved off more than some medi-gel. He felt better instantly and continued on his march towards the Bridge, doing his best to shrug off the hurt and also avoid James’s gaze. Vega had been with them in that final push. Cortez met them at the elevator doors. He clapped Kaidan on the shoulder, but said nothing. Their eyes met, and Kaidan knew he was looking at the one man who understood how he felt.  
“It’s not over yet,” Cortez said with genuine hope.  
Kaidan smiled appreciatively, and the elevator doors closed. He took a deep steadying breath, and ordered the elevator to the crew deck.

************************************

The doors opened and they spilled in to the CIC, Traynor shooting them a look of contained panic. She shouted something about an energy surge coming from the Citadel that had knocked out all the Reaper signals, their ships (ships? Bodies?) were now hanging dead in space. This surge wave was headed outward, and Hackett was ordering all ships to the rendezvous point.  
Kaidan and Vega ran straight for the bridge, bumping into Garrus who was leaving. Joker and EDI were frantically trying to get to the mass relay beyond Pluto before the wave hit them. The ship was going at FTL speeds, but they still had to get past Earth. Suddenly, they all felt a lurch, and EDI’s slumped in her seat.  
“EDI?!” Joker cried out, not slowing his fingers one bit, but glancing her way. There was no response from the AI or her mobile platform, though, and Kaidan had another sinking feeling.  
“We’ll get her up and running, Joker, just get us out of here!”  
Then the ripping sounds started. Kaidan exchanged glances with Vega, and the lieutenant headed back to the CIC, shouting for everyone to find a seat near the evac pods, the ship was going down.  
Joker managed to keep control of the ship, though Kaidan didn’t know how. The engine core had shut down, leaving them only maneuvering thrusters. The alarms were blaring with hull breaches, and they saw they weren’t the only ship in trouble. Kaidan saw they were headed right for Earth, their velocity increasing as they got closer. Kaidan took that moment to strap into the seat behind EDI.

*************************************

The landing was not soft, but Kaidan still walked away without a scratch. Though Joker didn’t have anything broken (a miracle, really), he was distraught that he couldn’t get any response from EDI. There’d been too much damage to the ship, Kaidan was sure it was going to take teams of engineers and programmers to get not just the ship up and running again, but EDI as well. The body was one thing, but her core? If they got a new ship, could she even be moved?  
Kaidan put all this out of his mind as he and Garrus worked on getting the airlock hatches open. With no power, whoever wasn’t in the CIC was trapped, with no life support beyond the air already in the compartment and any enviro suits they could find. They had to get started with rescue work. With one final push, the hatch opened onto a beautiful rain forest. What with the destruction he’d seen in Vancouver and then again in London, Kaidan had quite forgotten there were places left like this, wild and unsullied.  
Joker walked out into the fresh air and took a deep breath. Kaidan followed him, somewhat still stunned, Garrus right behind him. The rest of the main squad followed, Tali, then James, Traynor, and Javik. All of them had been picked up at some point, returned to the ship before Kaidan and James. Kaiden was somewhat surprised when Tali embraced Garrus, he hadn’t known they were together. They pulled apart, and held each other’s hand. Life goes on, he thought to himself, though the sight caused an ache in the middle of his chest.  
He turned to Traynor. “Sam, any idea what happened?”  
She shook her head, a puzzled expression on her face. “Just after we picked you up, there were reports of a massive energy-neutral pulse sent out from the Citadel, which grew outward to encompass the Reaper forces and Earth, and then it looked like it traveled outward, shockwave style, toward the mass relay. That’s when we got caught in it, and everything went dead except for emergency backups.”  
He knew he didn’t want to know the answer to the question, but he asked anyway. “The Citadel? Shepard?”  
She didn’t want to answer, but she did anyway, shaking her head. “I’m sorry, Major, but the Citadel blew as the shockwave started. There was… no word from the Commander before we lost contact.”  
Kaidan sat down, hard. His gaze was lost, looking out into the rain forest, but not at it. He felt strong, three-fingered hands on his arms, and vaguely heard some sound, but it held no meaning. Nathan.


	2. Flashback: Citadel

_Kaidan had been so nervou_ s, finally asking Shepard to lunch. His poor thumb, the one he picked at when he was nervous, was in shreds. He’d always been attracted to the Commander. He knew that Shepard was attracted to him, during the fight against Saren and Sovereign, there’d been plenty of looks and inuendo, but they’d both put it off until “after.” Then, Shepard died, right as they were working their way up to something.

Then came Horizon.

In retrospect, and even at the time, Kaidan knew he was an idiot. Shepard had always, always used whatever he had available to fight what he needed to fight. It should have been clear to Kaidan that Shepard was using Cerberus as a tool. And truly, he did, but he was so mad about finding Shepard alive, that the man hadn’t found some way to contact him and let him know, that he wanted the Commander to hurt like Kaidan hurt. So he used the only thing that he knew he could hurt him with: betrayal.

Immediately after the argument, Kaidan had withered up inside, ashamed at lashing out the way he did. It was stupid, and childish, and conduct unbecoming, but he’d been so relieved when the reports of Shepard resurfacing came in, which immediately turned to anger, which led to hurt.

Having the chance to work with him again after the Reaper invasion, Kaidan knew this was the time. He had to make it right, make it up to the commander. The email that he’d meant to send after Horizon wouldn’t have been enough, and he knew it. But then, when he finally got to work with Shepard again, he couldn’t help trying to bring up the Cerberus thing, and getting Shepard pissed off again. Also immature, but he was trying to get some closure. They made nice, and then… that robot on Mars changed everything. But, some good came of it.

The nurses had told him that Shepard came by to see him every day the Normandy was in port, staying for hours. He never stopped talking apparently. What Kaidan wouldn’t give to have a recording of what he said. The point is, when Kaidan was awake, his first call was for Shepard, and he came. They talked it out, even flirted, and Shepard left on his mission. Udina put Kaidan up for Spectre, and that had gone through, and suddenly, Kaidan was wrapped up in the Cerberus coup attempt, and then he was back on the Normandy.

They spent a lot of time talking after that. As they grew closer, Kaidan noticed that Shepard stopped paying so much attention to Garrus and Liara, turning instead to Kaidan when he needed someone to bounce ideas off of. Garrus seemed to notice it, too, shooting Kaidan knowing looks. He didn’t seem to be jealous, in fact, he seemed relieved.

“I’m just glad you two are getting past Horizon. You should have seen him, Kaidan. It was the worst I’ve ever seen him.” Kaidan blushed a little about that. “The man has had his orders questioned, he’s been called a traitor and a fool, he’s had people laugh in his face with disbelief over the threat we’re facing, but no one has gotten under his skin like you did.”

“I don’t know what came over me, Garrus,” Kaidan said pulling at a scrap of flesh around the nail on his left thumb. “I’d been so happy to hear that he was alive, and then to be assigned in the hopes of seeing him, it was so great. And then he showed up, and all I could think about was how he’d never even sent me an email saying that he was alive, and I got angry.”

“He tried to find you. His first question to anyone Alliance was about you. ‘Where’s Kaidan Alenko?’ ‘Have you heard from Kaidan Alenko?’ It was a little pitiful, really. Anderson refused to tell him where you were. You weren’t the only one that didn’t trust him.”

“Why didn’t anyone ever tell me?”

“Would it have made a difference?”

“Yes! Of course.”

“Well, you know the Commander. He’s never given his heart to anyone. This is uncharted territory for him. But now, you two need to stop dancing around… whatever’s happening with you and one of you needs to bite the bullet.”

That had given Kaidan pause. Was Shepard giving his heart to Kaidan? After everything that had been said, did Kaidan stand a chance? He knew that the Commander was friendly with Lt Cortez, the shuttle pilot, but it all seemed to be arms-length. Was Shepard waiting for Kaidan to make a move? Was he going to wait until “after,” like last time?

There was only one way to find out, so Kaidan decided to invite him to lunch. That way, if Kaidan had misread the situation, it didn’t look so much like a failed date. He was so nervous, getting ready. He wanted to play it cool, but Kaidan had a way of being too reserved. He got to the Apollo Café almost half an hour early, because he knew Shepard had a lot going on. He wanted to be prepared for an early arrival or a late one, but Shepard had been right on time.

When Kaidan had gotten around to broaching the topic, at first, he couldn’t look at Shepard. Not because he didn’t want to look at Shepard, but because he was a little afraid of what he’d find if he did. His right index finger was worrying the flesh around his thumbnail, not picking at it yet, but a nervous habit just the same. To Kaidan’s relief, the Commander was open to the idea. Kaidan didn’t think he’d ever seen Shepard smile like that. Even though they didn’t get everything out, they knew that there was something to build on. After their lunch, they’d gone around the Presidium, seen a movie, and then duty had called. They didn’t have much time, but what they’d had was filled with awkward glances, laughter, and promise. Shepard had picked up supplies, gotten some new leads on war assets, smiling the whole time, and then they were off, but things were different.

 

*****************************************

 

Kaidan had met up with Shepard in the mess hall the next morning with the rest of the crew. Liara in particular was pointedly interested in the two of them, though they strived for normalcy. Had Kaidan looked at Shepard this much yesterday morning? He didn’t think that he’d smiled at him yesterday, but smiles did happen between the two of them, and often. They were old friends, brothers-in-arms. But Liara’s sudden fascination was new. Kaidan didn’t know if Shepard had told her, or if she’d Shadow Brokered her way into figuring it out, or what, but when he met her eyes, Kaidan knew that she knew. A small, approving smile was on her lips as she nodded to him and said her good mornings.

They continued that way for several more days, scouring the galaxy for war assets, helping when they could, neutralizing Cerberus at every turn, and Kaidan and the Commander barely had a chance to speak. Shepard would join Kaidan in the Starboard Observation Lounge for brief chats. Kaidan had found the spot particularly relaxing when he came back aboard, felt some positive, peacceful energy. Only later did Kaidan find out that an Asari justicar named Samara had used the lounge for meditation every minute she wasn’t fighting or sleeping during the Collector mission. During those conversations, the most that Kaidan had gotten out of Shepard was some brushing of hands. Finally, Kaidan couldn’t take it any more.

After they returned from their mission to secure a fighter base from Cerberus, Kaidan decided the cold shower he was currently taking would be his last. He dried himself off quickly and went in search of Shepard. He wasn’t on the bridge, or the CIC, or the war room. He wasn’t in Engineering, or talking with Diana Allers, he wasn’t in the shuttle bay working on weapons or requisitioning supplies. He wasn’t on the crew deck, and Samantha Traynor didn’t really know where he was. Kaidan gave up, he didn’t think it was… appropriate for him to go up to the Commander’s quarters without an invitation yet. Kaidan gave up and settled down in the Observation lounge, hoping that Shepard would find him. He didn’t wait long before Shepard came in, smiling just a little.

Afraid his nerves were going to get the better of him, Kaidan strode confidently to his Commander, grabbed the back of his neck, and kissed him. Passion bloomed hot in his belly as Shepard threw his arms around Kaidan and returned the kiss, just as passionately. Kaidan smiled into the kiss, and was so wrapped up in it he barely heard the door shut behind Shepard, who spun him around and pushed him into the wall.

Kaidan pulled back and framed Shepard’s face with his hands. He looked him in the eye and saw the passion returned, in the eyes he’d only dreamed of seeing up this close.

“What’s wrong,” Shepard asked.

“Nothing,” Kaidan replied. “Just want to see your face up close. To remember.”

They kissed again, hands roaming up and down each other’s backs, with an ass-grab or two thrown in for good measure. The feel of those hands, even through clothes, made Kaidan harden and drive his hips into Shepard’s, where he felt the other man’s erection. These hands, callused by guns, strong through training, were everything he’d dreamed of, and yet so soft and gentle with him. The kiss and the passion in Shepard’s eyes suggested reckless, wanton abandon, but the hands spoke of restraint, as though Shepard were afraid Kaidan might break.

The door beside them opened and the two men scattered like cockroaches when the light comes on. A throaty chuckle escaped from Dr Michele.

“Major Alenko, I came to see if your implants were acting up, but I see the Commander has you well in hand.”

Kaidan flushed at the implication, but it was Shepard who spoke up. “There didn’t seem to be any problems on the last couple of missions, doctor. I’m sure everything’s fine, yes, Major?”

Clearing his throat, Kaidan replied that indeed, everything was fine. The doctor, eyes twinkling, bid them adieu, turned on her heel and strode out of the room.

Both men chuckled somewhat nervously. Shepard spoke first. “So, um. Something on your mind, Major?” His voice was rough from his arousal, though still light and amused.

“Yes, sir,” Kaidan responded. “I was wondering when we might get a chance to get a little more personal.”

“Took things into your own hands, did you? I like your initiative. I’ve got some reports to file, then I’d like to see you in my cabin. Dinner?”

“Wouldn’t miss it, Shepard.”

As the Commander turned to walk out of the room, he looked saucily over his shoulder and said “Nathan.”

 

************************************************

 

That night, again, Kaidan’s nerves were on the verge of getting the best of him as he stood outside Shepard’s cabin. He’d reached for the chime a few times, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“EDI, is he in there,” Kaidan asked the ship’s AI.

“Yes, Major Alenko. Commander Shepard is in his cabin, pacing, much the same as you are. I understand the comment that is most often given in these situations is, ‘what are you waiting for?’”

Kaidan smiled, then rubbed his hands together. “Right.” He rang the chime.

Shepard opened the door for him, and Kaidan stepped inside. Awkward smiles were all the two men could manage. This was so new, so new to both of them. Shepard had never dated anyone, always focused on his career. Kaidan had never dated anyone, not because of his career, but because he was too shy. Shepard lifted his arm like he was going to do something, but then crossed it with his other, too nervous to come out with it.

Kaidan cleared his throat. “Well. So, dinner?”

Shepard smiled, relieved that the tension was broken. “Yes! Dinner. I… well.”

Kaidan waited a beat, then, “you, what?”

“I wish it was something… nicer. Something more momentous. It’s just rations.”

Kaidan smiled and stepped closer, putting his hands on Shepard’s waist.

“The company is what’s going to make this momentous, Shepard. Not the food. Maybe some day, we’ll be so used to each other that we remember the food we ate, but I guarantee you, tonight won’t be one of those times.”

“Some day, huh? What if I just want to use you for tonight? And I told you to call me Nathan.”

“Well, Nathan,” Kaidan teased as he sat down on the couch, “the very fact that you want me to call you by your first name means this isn’t just a thing. Also, what makes you think you’re getting anything more than dinner tonight?”

Shepard’s head was tilted towards the floor, but he flicked his eyes up to look at Kaidan from under those beautiful eyelashes, and Kaidan knew he didn’t stand a chance. It wasn’t as though they didn’t know each other. _Mom always said to wait until you know someone_. After all they’d been through, Kaidan Alenko knew Nathan Shepard.

“Let’s just see where the night takes us,” Shepard said, his voice low and full of promise.

“Deal,” Kaidan said smiling.

Shepard handed Kaidan a plate with rations on it, a fork, and then opened a bottle of asari wine. He’d been planning this for days, coordinating the delivery to the Normandy with Cortez. He’d been so glad when he met Cortez in Afterlife and the other man already knew about Kaidan. He had been thinking about Steve like that, getting there, but before he was ready to make a move, Kaidan came back. Truly, it had always been Kaidan. But they’d always thought there’d be more time. They could get together, really together after. After, he snorted. There never seemed to be an “after.”

“Penny for your thoughts, Commander,” Kaidan said, the little creases between his eyebrows he got when he thought the situation was getting serious.

“Wasted time,” he said, looking Kaidan in the eyes so the implication would be clear.

A soft smile played at Kaidan’s mouth. “Yeah. Well,” he said, taking his wine and bringing it up for a toast, “no reason to waste any more.”

“To making up for lost time,” Shepard said, pounding the drink lightly on the coffee table before drinking. Kaidan did the same thing.


	3. Earth: The Amazon

Kaidan shook himself a little.  Garrus and Tali still had their hands on him, having pulled him up.  _Gosh, had that just happened?_   They were all clustered near him, calling his name.  He could make the words out now.  His brain was working, but that hole in his chest seemed to have grown sharp edges.  The back of his brain knew those sharp edges for what they were, fear and panic.

His palms were sweaty with that panic, but, as Kaidan philosophically explored that panic, he noticed something.  It felt different this time.  The panic was more a sense they were wasting time than anything else.

Shepard was still alive.

Once he'd had the thought, he couldn't stop it.  It warmed his whole being, and he felt warmth in his fingers.  It wasn't like last time, when he'd felt Shepard die.  This time, it was different.

"I'm ok," he said, shaking everyone off.  Glances were exchanged.  "Shepard's ok.  We gotta get moving."

Everyone stared at him, then looked at each other.  Vega was, naturally, the voice of skepticism.  "I don't think so, Major.  See that?  You can still see the bloom from the explosion," he said pointing to the sky.  "I think he's gone."

"No," Kaidan said.  "I can feel it.  Last time, it felt so... final.  I knew it was real.  This time..."

Traynor cleared her throat, stopping Vega's argument before it could be spoken.  "Be that as it may, Major, we've got to get the crew out.  The ship doesn't look too damaged, but it needs repair.  People need our help.  We can't do anything about Shepard right now."

With that, Kaidan suddenly realized again he was the ranking officer.  He was in charge.  People expected things of him.  His brain switched fully on.

"Ok.  Garrus, Vega, start working on the airlock seals for deck three, that's where most everyone will be.  Javik, Liara, see what you can do about opening the doors on the rest of this deck.  Tali, Traynor and I will be working on the Engineering airlocks.  No one's getting left behind.  Once we get everyone out, we'll assess the damage, take stock of our supplies.  Maybe we've got a shuttle or two still in working order.  Get moving."

They saluted him and went about their missions, all except for Joker.  He stared at Kaidan.  "Major, can I speak to you for a minute?"  The two men pulled off to the side where no one else could hear them.  Kaidan saw Tali and Traynor move to the airlock that served the engineering deck and looked back at Joker.  "Major, I'm going to ask you for a personal favor.  I'd like to work with Tali to try to get EDI back online.  Tali's the closest thing we have to an expert in artificial intelligence, and EDI can help us get the _Normandy_ back in working order faster..." His voice hitched as he tried to make a case for saving the ship's artificial intelligence operating system, and his girlfriend.  Kaidan knew he couldn't spare Tali for long, but if it had been Shepard that needed saving, he would ask for the same thing.

"Alright.  Traynor and I can handle getting the airlock doors open."  Joker smiled at his words and bounced a little.  "Jeff, good luck."  Joker saluted him and moved back inside, to the cockpit.

Kaidan moved to the two women.  Traynor had her omni-tool working on the door, trying to get the airlock's backup systems to override and open.  Tali was mostly just standing there, anyway.  When Kaidan asked her to go help Joker, she fidgeted nervously, reminding him of the Tali he first met.

"Kaidan, I'm not sure I can help," she said, her face all but obscured from the enviro-suit she would be cursed to wear until her planet was cleaned up.  "EDI is massively complex, and truly resides within the ship's systems, all of which were fried.  To do all that, we have to get to the core... That platform is just one component, and barely holds any of what you'd call her consciousness.  Even if I got the body up and running, there's no guarantee that it'd be EDI.  It might even be EVA."

Her words sent a shiver down Kaidan's spine.  EVA was the mech who'd assaulted him on Mars and put him in the hospital.  Just because that brought him and Shepard together didn't mean that the thought of EVA coming back didn't terrify him.  But Joker was right, if they _could_ get EDI back, then things would go a lot faster.

"We'll deal with that if it happens.  We took her out once, we can do it again.  Get moving, Tali."

She nodded at him and walked off in the direction of the bridge airlock.

"I agree with her, Major.  I'm not sure that we can get EDI back up ourselves," Traynor said sadly.

"How could you hear that, Sam?  We were fifty feet away from you, practically whispering."

"Communications specialist.  Part of my job is to have a highly trained ear that can hear through comm static.  I can hear Garrus and Vega debating your sanity, and the sound of Dr T'Soni's biotics trying to open the doors to the scanning room."

"You ever notice how sometimes those two just took their damn time with that scanner?  Like they wanted you to comment on whatever inane chatter they were making?"

The younger woman laughed at that.  "All the time, sir."  There was a loud clang as the airlock seals snapped back, and Traynor got a very satisfied look on her face.  "That should do the trick."

"Step back, Traynor," Kaidan said, his biotic field turning everything blue.  As she did, he used his biotics to Pull the doors apart.  Engineer Daniels was slumped against a bulkhead, a large, ugly bruise on her forehead, but she was still breathing.  Making their way through, Traynor and Kaidan found the rest of the crew typically on that deck alive but damaged.  Adams, Donnelly, and Diana Allers all made it out into the sunlight, and Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief.  One of the two officers that manned the scanning station had taken a serious blow to the head.  It didn't look good, and made Kaidan feel back for making fun of her earlier.  Allers seemed to hang around Traynor quite a bit.  When Traynor caught him noticing, the beautiful British woman smiled impishly.

He and the comm specialist met back up with Liara and Javik, who'd gotten the rest of the crew out from deck two. He assigned the four of them to get into the shuttle bay, where Steve Cortez was likely to be found.  Horrific images of Cortez crushed under an unsecured shuttle filled Kaidan's mind, but he had to put them aside.  Traynor and Liara worked on the airlock, while Kaidan and Javik tried to open the main hanger door, which was the secondary objective.  He heard the loud clang coming from the airlock the women were working on, and then he heard the clang of the hanger doors responding to his override commands.  He looked at Javik and explained that since the doors were so heavy, they would probably need their biotics to Pull the doors open.  Their biotics flared and they set to work.

"I share in your grief over your commander, soldier, but I do not see how denying his sacrifice brings him honor."

"I would never dishonor the commander, Javik.  I simply know he's alive," Kaidan said, grunting as he pulled on the doors with his biotics.

"To deny his death is dishonoring the sacrifice, the life he gave so the rest of us might live.  I do not share your optimism."

"I understand how it may sound, Javik, especially to someone so completely cloaked in death as you are, but last time Shepard died, I felt it.  This time, I don't."  Kaidan stopped pulling on the doors, but his biotics were still arcing all across his body as he responded to the Prothean, his anger rising.  He'd been unable to keep his dislike of the doom-and-gloom Prothean from his voice.

The ancient Prothean stopped his work as well and faced the major.  His face was blank.  He was not angry, he was not defiant.  He simply didn't believe Kaidan wasn't responding emotionally.

At that point, Liara, Traynor, and Cortez burst through the hangar doors from the other side.  They looked back and forth between the two males, the major with his biotic field sparking around him, and the Prothean standing calmly.

"Javik," Liara said sharply.  "The commander may be alive.  He's survived against high odds before, even come back from the dead.  In this cycle, we have studies showing connections between people that are highly connected, from twins to lovers, that show they can sense the other in ways that aren't quantifiable.  If the major says that the commander is alive, I am going to act towards retrieving him until we are proven otherwise.  Will you not join us?"

***************************************

Both of their shuttles, it turned out, were in working order once Cortez and Tali repaired one of the stabilizers.  Four crewmen died in the crash, including the girl from the scanning room behind the CIC.  Campbell, her name had been.  Out of the 147 that had been stationed for the Reaper assault, only five were gone.  Four dead, and Shepard.  And EDI, Kaidan supposed.

The senior crew (Liara, Garrus, Tali, James, Traynor, Adams, Joker, and Dr Michele) all convened around the nose of the ship to plan their next move with Kaidan.  Joker was heartsick that they'd have to leave the ship, and EDI, behind, but he knew there wasn't anything the rest of them could do.  They hadn't been able to get her online, specifically, but the ship was able to power up, so there was cause for some hope.

The last anyone heard, Alliance command was, for all intents and purposes, based in London now.  That was where they would head.  Cortez had gotten the shuttle  up and running, and Kaidan and Liara were splitting the survivors into teams.  It was decided that Kaidan, Vega, Garrus, Diana Allers, and Tali would take one shuttle with Cortez, and Joker, Liara, Traynor,, and Dr Michele would take the other.  Three other junior crew members would come with them, Kaidan's group taking security personnel and Liara's taking tech and science personnel.  After reuniting at the base, hopefully they could get more shuttles and techs to assist with the repairs, but until they knew for certain, they'd plan on just the two _Normandy_ shuttles ferrying crew members to the base.  They left Engineer Adams in charge of the repairs.  He didn't look especially thrilled that Javik would be staying with the ship, but the Prothean had no discernable skills that were immediately useful at Alliance HQ.

Upon his arrival in London, Kaidan was immediately whisked to see Admiral Hackett, who'd set up in Anderson's forward operating base until they could get back to Vancouver.  No one, it seems, had heard from Anderson or Shepard since Hackett ordered Shepard to activate the Catalyst.  Hackett seemed to want to believe that the two of them were alive, so he allowed Kaidan the use of a science vessel, the _Cupertino_ , to go up to the remains of the Citadel with a small crew.  They were also to assess the station for repair, if possible.  Meanwhile, he authorized four shuttles, plus one from the _Normandy_ , to rescue and assist in repairs in the Amazon.

Before they could leave, though, Hackett apprised them of the conditions the Alliance was facing, and it was grim, but manageable.

The pulse from the Citadel had knocked out the Reapers.  Completely deadened them.  All scans, active and passive, showed no programming, no energy signatures, they were completely inert.  However, it had also knocked out any ships that had AI or VI cores, the few that there were.  After EDI had been so successful on the _Normandy_ SR-2, the Alliance had begun tentative experiments into adopting the technology for their own native vessels.  Those vessels were mostly sitting dead in space, the crew kept alive through the emergency back-ups.  As they'd feared, the mass relay beyond Pluto was completely off-line, and a team of scientists and technicians, many of whom had worked on the Crucible, were on their way to see what it would take to get it back up and running.  Unfortunately, this meant there would be a delay getting EDI back up and running, if it could be done.

All the alien species in orbit were assisting in the efforts to rebuild Earth and get the mass relay up, and fortunately, they all had supplies to last for a while.  Some of the species could eat human food, but not all, and if this isolation went on very long, the turians and quarians were going to run into problems.  Preliminary reports indicated that was more of an outside possibility, but preparations were being made just in case.

Dr Michele set about tending to the wounded and dying in the emergency shelters.  Diana Allers made herself useful at the shelters by organizing pamphlets to help spread news and help families reunite.  Most of the Quantum Entanglement comm systems around the planet weren't working, so, as she put it, "print news is where it's at, once again."  Joker volunteered to pilot the _Normandy_ shuttle that was going back for survivors, just so he could get EDI's body.  Cortez planned to come with Kaidan to the _Cupertino_ to get them to the Citadel.

Hackett dismissed Kaidan and wished them luck. 

***********************************

Shepard was a big fan of keeping landing parties tight, preferring the three-man team whenever possible.  In this particular instance, Kaidan couldn't agree.  He needed most of the squad for their specialties, so he selected Vega, Liara, Traynor, Garrus, and Tali to go with him.  Vega was there for brute strength, Tali and Liara for their tech and espionage skills, Traynor for her ear, and Garrus for his sniper abilities.  He was perhaps being too cautious, he knew, but he trusted these people.

The ride up to the _Cupertino_ was quiet.  Kaidan knew that his belief that Shepard was alive was... suspect at best.  Outside of Liara, Dr Michele, and Javik, Kaidan hadn't been certain who all knew that he and Shepard had finally gotten together.  Of course, Garrus had given him the nudge to approach Shepard, so he must have, but he'd never said anything to him about it.  If he knew, (which wouldn't be surprising, as he was one of Shepard's best friends) the whole ship knew.  Garrus was a notorious gossip.   And of course, James had been there when Shepard told Kaidan he would always love him, when he sent him away.

Kaidan knew that Shepard inspired people.  He told him that Miranda had once said he had that quality that made people follow him.  Here was his crew, risking their lives over Kaidan's belief that Shepard was alive.  Not belief, really; he _knew_ it.  Knew it with every fiber of his being.  The edges around the hole in his chest had dulled, but they were constantly threatening to sharpen.

They docked on the _Cupertino_ and were met by her captain, Jessica Singer, a tall redhead with a ready smile, who was using it to try to cover her irritation at being pulled from reconstruction efforts.

"We're scientists and technicians, Major Alenko.  Most of us didn't get to see any action during the war, and we weren't anything more than extra firepower during the battle, so this is the first real chance we've had to contribute to Earth's future."

"I completely understand, Captain, but this is an urgent mission, authorized by Admiral Hackett, and I'm adding my authority as a Council Spectre, just in case Hackett's not enough for you," he said in a tone that brooked no argument, but he softened it with a smile.

"Is the Council still around?" the Captain asked, not impudently, but with true curiosity.

"Scattered, but around.  A lot of people were able to evacuate the Citadel, and I'm counting on the other Spectres to have done their job, protecting the Council."

"Yes, sir, Major Alenko.  Anyways, my ship is yours, so long as you remember that you are in charge of this mission, but I am in command of this ship."  Her voice had an edge to it that reminded Kaidan of Ashley Williams, his long-dead friend and comrade.

"Much appreciated, Captain Singer.  Set course for the Citadel.  My specialists will work with yours to optimize your equipment for our mission, and we'll try to keep out of your hair," he said, glancing back and catching Vega's eyes.

Realizing he was hungry, he grabbed a ration bar from the shuttle and bit into it, and a memory came to him, unbidden.

 

<<<<>>>>


	4. Flashback: The Normandy

_The rations had been terrible._   Of course they were.  But, as Kaidan had said, the company had been momentous.  As if making up for all the last time, the two did a kind of speed-date.  They asked each other all the silly, inconsequential questions that nonetheless shape your perception of someone.  Shepard's favorite color was red, while Kaidan's was blue.  Neither was surprised by that one.  Kaidan's favorite planet he'd visited was Eden Prime, Shepard's, too.  Kaidan's reasoning was the views, Shepard said it was because that's when he really noticed Kaidan.

"What do you mean, 'noticed' me?"

"Well, that's when I first... paid attention to you.  I knew you, sure, I'd worked with you before, but something about that mission... I knew that I wanted to know you more."

"I know what you mean.  There was something about that mission.  But it wasn't until... Virmire that I realized maybe you felt the same way."

And there it was.  They'd never truly talked about what happened on Virmire.  Kaidan knew, though, that if they delved into that tonight, the tone of the evening would change, and he thought everything was going swimmingly.

"So...favorite book?"

"Sun Tzu's 'The Art of War.'  I've read countless strategy and military books, and it's still my favorite."

"Seriously, Shepard?  Not, like... 'Pride and Prejudice and Zombies?'  Not 'The Three Musketeers?'"

Shepard looked confused.  "I don't know what those are."

Kaidan blinked.  "Well, the first one I can understand, but the second one?  With all the vids they made about that book?"

Shepard shook his head.  "I don't think I ever saw one."

Kaidan sighed.  "I truly find that hard to believe.  Tomorrow night, movie night.  I'm sure EDI can pull it up-"

_"Yes, Major, I can.  Which version of the film would you like to watch, so I can be prepared?  There are over-"_

Kaidan balked, and Shepard had the grace to blush.

"EDI!  Privacy mode, my cabin, starting now."

She sounded like she was smiling when she replied that she'd be available if anyone needed her.

Kaidan looked at Shepard, images of EDI playing their date for Liara and Garrus in his mind.  He put it aside.  "Movie night tomorrow?"

Shepard snorted.  "Well, if the big Reaper war doesn't get in the way, I could carve out some time.  What's your favorite book?"

They went on like that for a few more minutes, until Shepard scooted closer to Kaidan and put his arm behind the major's shoulders.

"You are so unpracticed at this, Shepard.  You're supposed to yawn, stretch, and put your arm back there."

"Now, I've seen that one done, but I have more respect for you, Alenko.  You're no fool.  You know I've wanted to kiss you since I saw you."

And there it was, the smile that he was coming to understand was only for him, tugging at Kaidan's lips.  "Well, what's stopping you now?"

Shepard's sudden kiss was all that Kaidan could want, strong and hungry.  Kaidan responded by cupping the back of Shepard's head and giving back as good as he got.  On impulse, without breaking the oh-so-vital kiss, he straddled Shepard and started unsnapping his collar, the need to feel the other man's skin overwhelming.

Shepard didn't hesitate at all.  He, began undoing Kaidan's collar, pulling his shirt out from his pants and running his hands over the major's back.  Kaidan moaned, deep in his throat.  His biotic field sparked to life, licking and caressing Shepard's hands.  Shepard's eyes flew open in surprise and he let out a small yelp.

Kaidan pulled back.  "Everything ok?"

"Yeah, just... never touched someone with their biotic field on."

Kaidan looked down at himself.  "Oh, would you look at that," he remarked absently.  He truly was going to turn it off, but then Shepard renewed their kiss with vigor, and he lost his train of thought.

Soon, they had each other's shirts off and began exploring the other's body with fingers, lips, and tongue.  Shepard picked Kaidan up, kissing him deeply, and set him down on the bed.  Kaidan began hungrily undoing the Commander's pants.  Finally, he got them undone and began rubbing and squeezing his ass through the regulation black trunks they were both wearing.

Freeing the Commander's dick from it's confines, Kaidan began stroking him.  The rewarding moan from the Commander was enough to set Kaidan over the edge.  Shepard broke their kiss and pushed Kaidan back down onto the bed.  Hovering just out of reach, Shepard removed Kaidan's shirt, running his hands over his muscular chest.  He began kissing and nipping at the highly sensitive flesh, enjoying the sparks as Kaidan writhed underneath him.

Kaidan grabbed the commander's hips, grinding them into his own.  As if that reminded him, Shepard began the work of removing Kaidan's pants.

 

********************************************

Both men finally naked, they lay together, the Commander on top, just reveling in the feel of the other man's body, skin, weight.  Their first time, Kaidan thought to himself.  For both men, it was the realization of a desire three years in the making.  Fits and stops, mistrust and mistakes, and finally, _finally_ , they were here.

Kaidan looked into Shepard's eyes, and saw nothing but loving desire there.  The kissing and grinding resumed in earnest, both men panting and moaning at the contact with the other's over-sensitized skin.  Kaidan's biotic field was down, but it was taking some effort.  He reached between them to grab their two dicks, Shepard twined his fingers together with Kaidan's to create a tunnel for the two.  This brought on some frenzied frotting.  Kaidan wanted to prolong the experience so he rolled Shepard onto his back and began kissing his way south.  Shepard groaned a little once Kaidan's mouth left his, but it quickly turned into a hiss sucked between teeth as Kaidan nipped at his neck.

Continuing his oral exploration of the dips, valleys, and planes of Shepard's body, Kaidan's mouth finally came to what he'd been looking for, but he decided to tease the Commander a little more, mainly because he felt that once he got that in his mouth, he wouldn't be able to control himself.  Instead, he continued kissing and licking Shepard's thighs, and then, on inspiration, he lifted Shepard's legs and spread them, his tongue finding the Commander's hole.  The cry of pleasure was everything he could hope for, and he attacked with vigor.  Shepard writhed at this unexpected attack, clutching at the sheets and thrashing his head at the onslaught of sensations he'd never known he could feel.  Kaidan finally released his legs and decided to take Shepard's cock into his mouth, and Shepard was lost again.

He pumped and sucked for a few minutes, but didn't want to finish the Commander off that way.  He kissed the sensitive flesh where hip and thigh met, then resumed his attack on the man's mouth.  Shepard kissed him back hungrily, the fierceness of it causing Kaidan's throbbing erection to ache.

"Nathan," he gasped.  He couldn't control himself.  "Please..." he pleaded.

"Gods, Kaidan," Shepard moaned.  He fumbled with something off to the side, but Kaidan's vision was too blurred with lust to see.  He heard a squelching sound, and then felt a probing finger at his ass.  His back arched as Shepard massaged his sphincter, loosening him up.  Every nerve in his body was alive, like an electric field.  He looked down and saw that he was, indeed, glowing blue.

"Oh, shit, Shepard, I'm sorry... I can't seem to turn it off."

In response, Shepard slipped a finger inside him.  "Leave it.  It tingles.  I like it."

Finally, Shepard deemed Kaidan ready, and laid him down on the bed.  Kaidan refused to shut his eyes, he wanted to see Shepard's face as the other man entered him.  The intensity of the pleasure, both what he saw and what he felt, almost drove Kaidan over the edge.  Shepard was oh-so-tender, pushing just enough to provide forward motion, but taking such care to not hurt Kaidan.  Finally, their bodies met, and Kaidan felt a delicious fullness.  Shepard took a minute to kiss Kaidan and hold his face.  When Kaidan felt used to the feeling, he began moving, which gave Shepard the signal to match his rhythm.  

Finally, it was too much.  Kaidan reached down between them to fist his dick, and in short order, his eyes shot open and he came as if he never had before, calling Shepard's name.  On cue, Shepard's muscles began to tremble and, calling Kaian's name, he poured himself into Kaidan.

******************************************

Afterward, they lay on the bed, staring up at the stars passing by.  Kaidan had his head on Shepard's chest and was absently drawing patterns in the other man's chest hair.

"Did you ever think we'd get here," he asked Shepard.

"No," the Commander replied without hesitation.  The speed of his answer surprised Kaidan so much his hand stopped moving.  "Not, 'no, I never wanted to be here,' just 'no, I never dreamed this would happen.'"

"Why?  You have to have known the way I felt about you.  Ashley said I was very bad about keeping it a secret.  She used to tease me about it."  And there it was.  Sure, Kaidan had blown up at Shepard after Virmire, but they'd never talked about it.  Never dealt with the guilt Kaidan felt, or even talked about Shepard's reasoning.

"She did?  She always used to tease me, because she could tell I was sweet on you."

"If only she'd spoken up..." Kaidan said.

"Please.  I remember having to convince you there were no regulations saying you couldn't be friends with your CO," Shepard said teasingly.

"You're my commanding officer now," Kaidan retorted.

"Yeah, but I'm s Spectre, Savior of the Galaxy working on three times, I get a little leeway."

"A good point. And technically, I outrank you.  But then the whole Spectre thing."

There was silence for a minute as the two relaxed, comfortable and finding comfort in each other's presence.

"Shepard," Kaidan said, hesitantly, because he knew this was serious.  "About Virmire-"

"You want to know if Ashley died because I loved-- love-- you."

"Did she?"

"Kaidan, you know what it's like to have to make sacrifices, to choose which of your team gets to live or die.  Plain and simple, the mission was to set the nuke, and that's where you were.  There was a chance that if I didn't save you, the bomb wouldn't go off."  He broke off for a second, and Kaidan could see in his eyes, he was back on Virmire.  "I could tell you that I thought about the long-term goal, and which of you would best help me with succeeding; I could tell you I considered rank and experience; I could tell you a million things that passed through my mind, and all of them would be true, because a lot passed through my mind, but I have to mention that I didn't want to think about what life without you would be like.  I told you," he said at Kaidan's noise, "that I'd known since Eden Prime that you were special.  That I wanted to be more with you.  Maybe I never came out and said it, but all the talks, all the looks... I know you felt it, and I knew you felt the same way.  Even though you tried to throw me off your scent a couple times."

Kaidan didn't know how to respond.  He'd always felt guilty for being the one chosen.  He'd thought it was because Shepard didn't trust him, or a million other things.  He'd felt guilty because, even then, he'd loved Shepard and, even though he grieved Ashley, he was grateful that he'd have the time to show the Commander his love.

"And then, after what happened on Horizon, I wasn't sure you'd ever trust me again.  No, let me finish," Shepard said.  "You were so angry at me.  And I get it.  I was gone-- dead-- for two years, and then I just popped up, working with the enemy.  I don't know that I'd have been able to explain it to you so you'd understand.  I don't know that I understand completely what happened, but I'm not their puppet, and I never was."

"Oh, I believe that," Kaidan interrupted with a smile.  "You pissed the Illusive Man off enough that I buy that."

"That I did.  But what you said, and the way you were looking at me, I wasn't... I wasn't ok after that.  It took me a while to get back on my feet.  When I did, I didn't hear from you, and I assumed... I assumed I'd missed my chance."

Kaidan didn't know how to respond, so he leaned up and kissed Shepard.

"And then you had to go get your ass kicked by a robot on Mars!  Jesus, Kaidan, you're a hazard!  I never paid attention to it before.  I take it back, I'm going to go sex Cortez."  He made to get up, but Kaidan held him down, laughing.

"You wouldn't dare."

"I headbutt krogan when they're spitting mad, Spectre Alenko.  I dare quite a lot," he said seductively, and moved over to tickle Kaidan.  The friction this action caused, though, led to other physical activities...

 

<<<<>>>>


	5. Sol System

Kaidan and Garrus joined Captain Singer in the Combat Information Center, which looked vaguely similar to the one on the _Normandy._   The turian design of having the commander over the rest of the crew had been kept, but this CIC was rounder than the _Normandys._ _Both of them, I suppose,_ Kaidan thought to himself.  Liara and Traynor began working with the technicians to help optimize and tweak their systems to search for Shepard's heat signature.  Tali and some of the other technicians immediately began implementing those changes.  Vega went below to introduce himself to the _Cupertino_ 's military contingent, such as it was.  Cortez stayed with the shuttle.

Kaidan was sure that Hackett had assigned them the _Cupertino_ for two reasons, the first of which was that as a science ship, it was better suited to the mission at hand, with the scientists and technicians already upgrading their sensors beyond the standard Alliance issue.  The second reason, to Kaidan's mind, was that as a science ship, it wouldn't be much use at defense, should the batarians or some other force choose to attack, choosing the fleet's vulnerability as an opportunity to rehash old grievances.  That thought gave way to another stray thought: _if the Reapers and all of our AIs are knocked out, are the Geth alive anymore?  Did the Citadel shockwave make it out of this system?_

"Major Alenko?"  Captain Singer's voice broke into his reverie.

"I'm sorry, Captain.  Lost in thought.  What were you saying?"  He caught the slight turian frown on Garrus's face but ignored it.  A man was allowed to get lost in thought occasionally.

"I was asking whether you could fill me in on your mission, or if this was one of those super-secret Spectre missions."

"Sorry.  We're headed to the Citadel.  We have every reason to assume that there are survivors among the wreckage."

"Major, this isn't a transport ship.  There were some available.  Add that to the fact that some of the most celebrated members of Commander Shepard's crew are here, it makes a girl think you're not telling her everything."

"I wasn't trying to hide anything, Captain.  We're looking for survivors, yes, but specifically, we're looking for Commander Shepard."

Singer whistled, low and soft.

"Major Alenko, I appreciate looking for your CO, but you have to know the chances are slim that you're going to find him.  The Citadel exploded, then sent that shockwave out.  We saw it, and took readings.  It was something like an electromagnetic pulse, but much stronger.  It knocked out the Reapers.  Commander Shepard died a hero.  He did everything he set out to do, and proved galactic leadership wrong in the process."

Kaidan simply shook his head.  "No, Shepard's not dead.  He did everything he set out to do, proved the Council wrong, but he's not dead."

"And how do you know this?"  The captain was starting to raise her voice, infuriated by Kaidan's seeming certainty of an improbability.

"I just know," Kaidan said calmly.  "And regardless of whether you believe me or not, you have your orders, Captain Singer."

The captain sighed, running her fingers through her curly red hair.  The major had a point.  Whether she disagreed with them or not, whether or not she had anything better to do, she did have her orders.

"Ma'am, we're approaching the Citadel," her pilot called over the comm channel.

She and Kaidan exchanged looks, then headed for the bridge.  Kaidan looked at Garrus, and the turian went to find Liara and the others.

#

Garrus Vakarian had buried a lot of friends in the past three years.  During the war with Saren & Sovereign, then during his "rogue period," as he liked to call it, and then again after meeting up with Shepard to take on the Collectors.  Never had he thought about burying, or having to let go of someone, twice.  He knew this was a fool's mission he was on.  He knew he was set up for disappointment.  However, he'd seen people with a love like Kaidan and Shepard do amazing things, know things they shouldn't have, simply because of their connection.  He owed it to the Commander for that fact alone, let alone the loyalty Shepard had secured time and time again.  If his friend was out there, even if it was a remote possibility, they would find him.

He made his way to the technician's section of the CIC, and found Tali, Liara, and Specialist Traynor there, either at a station, hovering over one, or underneath one.  All three women were incredibly attractive specimens, and the men were watching them hungrily.  He sauntered over to Tali and wrapped an arm around her waist, somewhat possessively, he knew.  She looked up at him, and even though he couldn't see through her mask, Garrus knew she was amused.

"We've arrived at the remains of the Citadel.  Are you ready?"

Liara turned to him from her seat, eyes wide and serious.  "I think we are, we won't know for sure until we try it."

Specialist Traynor slid out from under the console she'd been working on and straightened.  "It's all a little imprecise without the holo interface, but I think we've got it.  I should get up and get to the comm scanners."

One of the technicians from the _Cupertino_ straightened and objected.  "We have our own crew for that, _Specialist_ Traynor."

"I'm better, I promise you," she said, brushing right past him.  The man looked at Garrus, who simply shrugged.

"I'll be using my omni-tool to help the _Cupertino_ hack into the Citadel's security systems and see if there's video feed," Liara said.  "I have no idea how helpful that will be, but it would be nice to get some sense of what we're walking into now that the Reapers got a hold of it."

Garrus nodded, then looked at Tali.  They left to join Kaidan on the bridge.

#

On the bridge, it was somewhat more spacious than the one on the _Normandy_ , but still, with their pilot, Captain Singer, Kaidan, Garrus, and Tali, elbows were bound to bump.  No one, though, complained as they drew closer to the ruined hulk of the once mighty space station.  The massive arms that had housed countless aliens of all races were blown apart, the Presidium ring was so dark, and the docking arm was blown off.  The pieces simply floated near where they'd broken from, but the effect was still chilling.

Garrus looked at Tali.  Kaidan saw it, and knew that the look conveyed a lot.  Truly, he saw the wreckage and had doubts himself.  Doubts which spiraled into waking nightmares about life without Shepard.

 _Three years of waiting.  Three years of putting it off, we finally get together, and I lose him to the_ Reapers?

Kaidan shook himself.  He took a "sanity check" and looked inside, feeling the edges of that hole.  He knew that it was possible that Shepard was gone, but he truly believed that he wasn't.  He truly... felt Shepard.

"Liara, are you getting anything?"

"Some.  Kaidan, it's awful.  There are Reaper corpses everywhere, mixed with humans, asari... everything."

"Do you see survivors?"

"I think so.  I see movement.  It's tough to discern, it's so dark."

"Traynor?"

"Oh, I'm definitely picking up survivors.  There's a lot of groaning, some screaming, and lots of crying."

Kaidan closed his eyes in relief.  _Not enough,_ he thought.

"Can you duplicate the _Normandy_ 's comm frequency?"

"I already did.  We're broadcasting."

"Patch me in."

"Yes, Major."

Kaidan took a shaky breath and spoke.  "Shepard?  Commander Shepard, can you hear me?  Nathan?"

At the use of the Commander's first name, Captain Singer looked down at her pilot.

"Traynor?"  Kaidan inquired.

"Sir, I'm getting something, it sounds like breathing, but I honestly couldn't tell you if it was the Commander or a krogan."

"That's enough for me.  How about the sensors?  Picking anything up?"

"No, Major, there's too much else going on in the Citadel.  I do have an idea, though, sir."

"Explain."

"Major, I was thinking that maybe we could tie the comm relay into the sensors, and possibly that way, we might be able to pinpoint anything that's picking up the _Normandy_ frequency."

Kaidan glanced back at Captain Singer, unclenching the fists he hadn't realized he'd clenched in the process.  She shrugged and nodded at him, indicating that it was his mission, but she approved of the change to her systems.

"Do it, Traynor.  Then I want everyone down in the shuttle bay ready to go."

"Aye, sir."

Kaidan turned to Captain Singer.  "You're right, this isn't a transport ship.  If Liara's right, there's probably more people on the station alive than you have room for.  Get word back to Admiral Hackett to send more ships." She nodded and headed off to set her scientists on it.  Kaidan turned to Garrus.  "I want everyone suited up and ready to go in one hour.  Get our weapons ready, you never know what we'll run into."  Garrus nodded and set off.  "Tali, I want Traynor to have some sort of portable device that she can tap into the _Cupertino_ 's scans with.  I'd like to have her on the team.  We need it in an hour."

He suspected Tali balked at that, but she never said a word, simply nodded and headed off to make that a reality.

 

<<<<>>>>


	6. Flashbacks: The Normandy

_Out of nowhere, Kaidan's vision started to narrow_.  The strange feeling that his eyes weren't connected to his brain was his only warning.  He'd been standing in the war room, reviewing fleet readiness reports, and he barely made it to the stairs before the pain began.  Every light, every noise, hell, the uniform rubbing against his skin was _agony._   The sob came unbidden to his throat, but he refused to cry.  That only made his eyes puffy, which added to the throbbing sensation.  He staggered, as delicately as he could, to the door, then through the hallway around the conference room, then to the blasted scanning room.  The two guards wouldn't stop chattering, the scanning field was too loud with it's hum and pings, and it was all Kaidan could do to stand upright.

He was finally cleared through, and the door to the CIC opened.  Shepard was there with Traynor, talking about something (honestly, everything just sounded like a roar, and Kaidan couldn't make out words).  As soon as Shepard saw him, he pushed the datapad into her chest and was at Kaidan's side.  Kaidan grunted appreciatively, but even the lightest pressure Shepard knew he could apply felt like fire.  He helped him into the elevator, and then, when they reached the commander's cabin, he helped Kaidan remove his clothes and get into the bed.  Shepard turned all the lights off, and covered Kaidan.  He kissed his own fingers and pressed them to the bed near Kaidan, having gone through a couple of these before to know that any touch was agony to Kaidan.

In the barest whisper, he told Kaidan that he had to go brief Admiral Anderson while he could, but he'd be back.  Kaidan locked eyes with him to indicate he heard and understood, idly grateful for the years of nonverbal communication they'd built up before diving in to romance.

 

Hours later, or possibly three lifetimes, Kaidan awoke, painless,  to the feeling of Shepard pressed tight against his back.  He wasn't sure when he'd fallen asleep, or when Shepard had snuck in, but he was grateful that the pain was gone.  Shepard had wrapped an arm around Kaidan's belly, holding them close, and had an arm crooked under Kaidan's pillow.  He was breathing softly into Kaidan's hair, and the room smelled wonderful, full of Shepard.

There were no noises, except for the occasional squeak from the hamster over by Shepard's desk.  With no way of knowing how long Shepard had been asleep, Kaidan decided to let him slumber on.  As gently as he could, he slid out from under Shepard's arm.  He moved to put on some pants when Shepard reached out in his sleep, groping at the empty spot on the bed for him.  When he found nothing, the Commander's eyes snapped open, and found Kaidan.

"Hey," he croaked, his voice rough from sleep.

Kaidan softly smiled back at him.  "Hey, sleepy."

"Where are you going?"

"I was going to get my commanding officer some breakfast."

"Say what you want about how evil Cerberus was, but they provided us with a cook.  With food, not rations."

"It was a diabolical plan to soften you up."

"Suckers.  Didn't work.  Come on.  I'll join you."  Shepard stood, and the sight of him naked set Kaidan's mind spinning again.  Shepard caught him looking and grinned bashfully.

"Something on your mind, Major?"

"Several things, Commander."  He put a slight emphasis on the rank, and Shepard quirked an eyebrow.

"What do you say we leave rank out of this room, huh?  Everywhere else is fine, but up here, it's just Nathan and Kaidan."

"You're the boss," Kaidan said with a smile.  Shepard swatted him on the ass just before Kaidan pulled his trousers over it.  They finished dressing, and enjoyed a nice breakfast, playfully teasing Vega, and trading jokes with EDI.

#

 _Shepard knew something was wrong during the mission_.  Something had been said, but he didn't know what he could have said wrong.  When he went to the back of the shuttle to sit near Kaidan on the journey back to the ship, Kaidan had given him such a frosty look he actually stopped in his tracks.  He, who had destroyed a thresher maw, faced down rogue Spectres and Collectors, was wary of an icy glare from his... (the word _boyfriend_ didn't seem to do their relationship justice, and lover sounded pretentious).  He'd been forced to sit next to Javik, and the sullen Prothean was terrible company.

The feeling intensified when they got back to the _Normandy_ and they began putting their armor away in the shuttle bay.  Vega was looking back and forth between them, and Javik, who'd been with them on the mission, simply shook his head and walked back to the port cargo hold, where he'd been set up.  Vega settled his gaze on Shepard and walked away, whistling innocently.  They were still in earshot of Cortez, so neither of them said a word until they got in the elevator.

As soon as the doors slid shut, Shepard flipped around to face Kaidan.  "Can you tell me what's wrong?"

Kaidan looked a little puzzled, then said, "I'm just thinking about what that guy, Jacob, said."

Shepard was positively mystified.  Try as he might, nothing Jacob said struck him as particularly snit-worthy.  "You're going to have to give me more to go on, Kaidan."

"The whole 'the- _Normandy-_ is your-real-love' and you'll never leave her thing."

"I hadn't realized you were there to hear that."  At Kaidan's renewed frosty stare, he continued  hurriedly, "but he's wrong.  Just remember, Kaidan, by the time Jacob really got to know me, you and I had already had our falling-out on Horizon, and I was moody, and was completely focused on the mission.  I ... didn't have anything else to live for, then."

Kaidan looked slightly mollified then, but not enough for Shepard's taste.  This was hard, he thought.  He's never had to consider _how_ to say something, so when he tried, sometimes, like now, he sounded irritated by the effort.

"Thinking beyond the Reapers is a new idea to me, Kaidan.  I've been thinking about how to get people to listen to me for so long, I've been so focused on what to do when they get here, that that's all most people think I can think about."  Stepping closer, he took Kaidan's chin between thumb and crooked finger.  "Truth is, they were right, right up until some freakishly proper, freshly promoted, second-human-Spectre-ever asked me out for beers and steak sandwiches.  It changed my perspective some."

"Oh, just some?"

Before either of them could do anything more, the door to the crew deck opened, and Kaidan stepped out backwards, winking at Shepard, who had to report to Admiral Hackett.

#

 _After they'd met up in the crew quarters following the Cerberus scientists' rescue_ , Kaidan finally asked Shepard for another dinner date on the Citadel, next time they were able.  He'd found a place that served steak, and this time, he met the Commander at the door to his quarters.  Shepard looked up with a little boy's smile.

"EDI," Shepard said, "I want you to update the security to my quarters.  Kaidan Alenko is granted full and unrestricted access to this cabin."

 _"Acknowledged, protocols updated,"_ EDI declared, with what Kaidan swore sounded like a smile.

"Nathan..." he said, surprised.

"Well, I've decided I don't like sleeping alone.  I can't get used to it again.  And a grumpy and out of sorts commander is nobody's friend.  Besides, you need somewhere to go when you get your migraines besides the crew quarters.  Whaddaya say, Kaidan?  Want to move in with me?"

Kaidan threw his arms around Shepard and kissed him square on the lips.  With that, they left for the Citadel.  The steak was wonderful, and so was the company.  Conversation came easily, both of them sharing stories, and the laughter was infectious.

Naturally, Shepard overheard someone mention some object located in some far-flung system, and he had to investigate.  He gave Kaidan a kiss on the cheek that set Kaidan's skin tingling, and mentioned that he needed to go meet Miranda Lawson.  Kaidan mentioned that he wanted to meet her sometime soon, but Shepard made no promises.  "She's a hard person to pin down," he said.

With some free time, Kaidan found himself meandering, and in a good mood.  Not quite sure why, he headed to Purgatory.  He tended to avoid bars and clubs, in fear that they might trigger a migraine.  Occasionally, he'd gone on a date, but those usually ended after a fumbling encounter against a dark wall.  But today, he felt good, and wanted a drink and to dance.

As soon as he climbed the first set of stairs, though, he was greeted by a familiar face.  A heavily tattooed woman was sitting at a table with a drink and a datapad.  It wasn't usual for someone to bring work into Purgatory, but these weren't usual times, Kaidan reasoned, walking up to her.

"Jack?"

She glanced up, and he could see the barest hint of recognition cross her features.  "Commander Alenko?"

He laughed nervously.  "It's Major now, actually.  But it's good to see you.  Does Shepard know you're here?"

"Got me.  Sent him an email, though.  Something I can do for you, Major?"

"I was hoping to talk to you.  He said you're one of the biggest, baddest biotics he's met."

"The Psychotic Biotic, my kids call me," she said putting the datapad down and crossing her arms.

"The academy, right.  Nathan filled me in on that whole deal.  Said you were a pretty good teacher,"  Kaidan couldn't help looking at her when she said it.

"I was, until the fucking Cerberus team destroyed it."

"Cerberus must have known you were there.  Why would they go after you?"

"I think you need to brush up on your Cerberus-and-Jack history.  They knew I was there, and they were planning on capturing my kids and torturing them to get to experiment on me again."

Kaidan wasn't sure what to say to that.  He made some kind of lame noise.

"I'm still confused.  You sound as though you talked to Shepard lately, but you don't know certain things, so I'm guessing he doesn't trust you after you stomped on his heart on Horizon.  Is there some reason I should be talking to you?"

"Does everyone know about that?"

"I was there, dumbass.  I was on his squad, standing behind him, while you said everything you wanted to say and didn't let him explain himself.  Not that I don't see your point, my skin still crawls when I think about working with Cerberus, but at least I got the facts.  Besides, he told Vakarian how upset he was.  That's as good as telling everyone in the galaxy."

"Yeah, we hashed that out.  I'll never make up for turning my back on him, but we're good.  I'm back on the _Normandy_ with him."

"Well, great.  So was there something you wanted?"

"Nathan said you had it rough as a kid.  They tortured you to make your biotics stronger.  He said that's why you were such a great teacher.  When I was a kid, my parents sent me to Jump Zero for BAaT, Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training.  There weren't any humans to train us, human biotics were even more rare back then, so they sent us a turian who was still stuck in the First Contact Wars.  He broke my friend's arm because she reached for a glass with her hand instead of her mind.  I killed him for it."

"Badass," she said with respect.  "I guess we both killed our captors."

"Guess so.  Killed anyone lately?"

She pursed her lips.  "It's this new thing I'm trying."

Kaidan smiled.  "I guess the point of all that was, I'm glad your kids have someone who knows.  Who gets it.  Who won't treat them different.  They're lucky."

A wistful smile passed Jack's face, seemingly at odds with all the tattoos and bad attitude.  "I try to do my best by them."

Kaidan nodded at her and got up to leave.  "Alenko," she called, stopping him.  "I'm glad you and Shepard got together.  Never saw someone carry a torch like that guy did for you."

"How did you know?"

"Also never heard anyone call him Nathan," she said, picking the datapad back up, feigning disinterest.

Kaidan stood there for a moment, stunned, then smiled and went to go get his drink.

 

 

 

<<<<>>>>


	7. The Citadel

Everyone checked their equipment no less than three times before they boarded the shuttle.  Vega was on first.  Kaidan would have beat him, but he was in command.  Once the others were in, he joined them, standing behind Cortez like Shepard used to.  

They pulled away from the _Cupertino_ bound for the Citadel.  The closest airlocks were blown open, so they were going to have to infiltrate.  Everyone had on enviro suits, because they didn't know what they were getting into.  Unfortunately, they also didn't have a definite destination.  There was no telling where the Conduit had taken Shepard.  They had no idea where to look, but the Presidium seemed the most logical.

Cortez landed the shuttle through an extremely large blast hole leading to the Presidium.  Though the outer shell was blasted open, the doors to the Presidium proper were closed, and they were reading atmosphere.  The team filed out, Kaidan last again, reigning in his eagerness.  He felt Cortez's hand on his arm and looked back at the pilot.

"Kaidan..."  The look on Cortez's was compassionate, hopeful, and yet guarded.  "I hope you find him.  The Commander... means a lot to me."

Kaidan's smile was appreciative, and he patted the other man's hand.

"I know.  I'm gonna bring him back."  And with that, he hopped out of the shuttle.

He peeled off his helmet along with everyone else, but he refrained from pulling off his armored gloves.  Running his armored forefinger over his armored thumb didn't satisfy his nervous need.  They took a minute to assess their surroundings.

First, everything was still.  Sure, they could hear cries of pain, or grief, but it was _still._ This area had been home to dozens of people, swathed in a replica of natural light.  Now, it was mostly dark, consoles and signs sputtering.  The false sky projection was gone.  The fountains and the lake weren't as full, they could see.  Some of the lower levels had water on the floor.  Trees were ripped up, glass was everywhere, and the stillness was deafening.

They pulled out their sidearms, prepared for anything, but not expecting resistance, and spread out around Samantha Traynor.  The portable device she'd made was crude, but she assured Kaidan that it would work.  She pointed them further down the Presidium, and they moved as a unit.

 

#

They came upon an asari who was dragging a wounded turian into a shop.  There were several other wounded in the shop.  They assisted her with dragging the turian and informed her that the Fleets were preparing a rescue effort.  She gratefully thanked them, and they moved on.

"How's it going there, Traynor," Vega asked.

"Nothing so far.  I've altered our enviro-suits so that our comms are broadcasting on the _Normandy_ 's old frequencies, but we've been real quiet.  I know this isn't SOP, but if we could... talk more?"

Kaidan let out a quick nervous laugh.  This place had him spooked.  "Should we start with favorite movies or favorite colors?"  This drew a chuckle from everyone in the group.  The initial shock of seeing the Citadel in such a state had passed and the team loosened up.  Everyone's weapons were still drawn, but they were relaxed.  Chatter began to come more naturally.  

They came across a salarian wearing a Cipertine Armory who seemed to be looting a variety of stores.  Kaidan remembered Shepard telling him about a clerk who believed there would be a barter system after the Reapers were defeated.  They noticed C-Sec officers stirring, so Kaidan decided not to confront the salarian himself. 

He looked at Traynor, who nodded and pointed further into the Presidium.  His heart skipped a bit, but he knew not to get his hopes up.  Traynor could be picking up anything.

As they moved along, they traded stories.  Tali told a very funny story about a quarian who returned from Pilgrimage with the flu after having sex with a human for the first time the day before returning to the flotilla.  Vega told them about accidentally punching the Commander on his traditional getting-to-know-the-crew tour.

After several starts and stops, almost an hour later, Traynor told everyone in a very excited voice to head towards the old embassies offices.  As they walked, Kaidan talked about his first time on the Citadel.

"We came here to get the Council to take action against Saren.  Nathan, Ash, and I were running around in armor that looked like pajamas, just trying to find evidence that Saren was trying to bring back the Reapers.  We had no idea the size of what we were getting into.  All I could think about was how _big_ the place was, and I think I made some stupid remark about how nice it was to see so many humans in C-Sec."

"What happened, Major?"  Vega was interested.  "Why didn't the Council listen to you back then?"

"When did they start," Garrus interjected.

Kaidan snorted at that.  "Good point.  At the time, it had only been 26 years since we came on the galactic scene, and there were dozens of other species that had been out there longer, that weren't getting half the recognition we were.  Maybe they weren't as loud about it?  Certainly it's not because they didn't deserve it."

At that, Vega made a coughing noise that sounded suspiciously like "volus," but Kaidan chose not to call him on it.

"Now, gosh," Kaidan said, reboarding his train of thought.  "The Citadel had become a bit of a home away from home for me."  He wondered if the _Normandy_ would ever not be home anymore.

Finally, Traynor led them to a large pile of rubble.  Kaidan's heart sank as he look at it.  With all the sinking his heart had been doing the last day or so, ( _how long has it been?)_ he thought idly, he'd have to start calling it his stomach instead of his heart.  The pile of rubble looked like several floors of the Presidium to Kaidan.

They were starting to attract a fan club.  People could tell they were Alliance, hell, some people could recognize their faces.  There were so few people here compared to before, but Nathan had put so much importance on there being a Citadel defense force after the Cerberus coup.  It looks like it saved some people's lives.

Kaidan looked at the pile of rubble and at his team.  They were looking back at him, expecting orders.  Fortunately, he only recognized the "he's crazy" look in James's eyes and no one else's.  He nodded, and they set to it.  He and Garrus climbed to the top of the rubble, careful where they stepped, looking for any sign of Shepard.  Vega and Liara began pulling pieces of rubble out, looking as they went, too.  Everyone was helping to clear out the debris.

#

Kaidan got to him first.

He almost didn't notice the N7 insignia.  Garrus hadn't, apparently, because Shepard was two feet away from him.  Kaidan's heart stopped at the sight of the burned... husk in front of him, but he relaxed when he saw the chest rising and falling.  He let out a choked breath that may have supposed to have sounded like "Nathan," but he was pretty sure that it didn't.

Garrus looked up in surprise, then down where Kaidan had half-run, half-fallen.  His gasp told Kaidan that it really did look as bad as he thought.

Shepard's skin was blackened, it was true, but it doesn't seem like he was charred.  This gave Kaidan hope.  Underneath the blackened skin, though, there were fresh cuts and welts, the result of the Harbinger blast before Shepard went up into the Conduit, as well as the explosion and fall that landed him here.

"Nathan!" Kaidan cried, once he found his voice.  Shepard stirred and moaned, but didn't seem to wake.  Kaidan could hear the others coming, but his eyes sought Liara.  She pushed her way past them to get to Kaidan's side.  Though her expertise was not at all medicine, she was the most trained medic they had.  All they needed to do was get him to the _Cupertino_ and the doctors on board could take care of him.  She worked quickly but gently, checking for a pulse, doing her best to assess the damage.  She met Kaidan's eyes and he saw the hope in them.  She nodded her head.

"Nathan, we're here," Kaidan said gently.  "We're taking you back home, to Earth.  You did it, Shepard."  Something wet dropped on Shepard's cheek, and Kaidan was surprised to find that he was crying.  He cleared his throat, because he knew he was on the clock, wiped his eyes surreptitiously and stood.  Traynor already had the anti-grav stretcher out and ready.  Using his biotics, Kaidan gently moved Shepard onto the stretcher.

"All that prep work and we just find him lying on top of the elcor diplomat's office," James said.  "This was way easier than I thought it was going to be.  Spooky to see the Citadel like this, though."

Kaidan heard him, of course, but was so relieved Shepard was alive he didn't care how easy it had been.  He'd been right.

Remembering his mission, Kaidan ordered the squad to fan back out.  Surely Anderson would be near Shepard.  They did, after all, go on the same mission.  After a brief search, they found him.  He had a bullet wound in his stomach, and his eyes were open.  Sad that such a great man was dead from a bullet in the stomach, Kaidan called for the other stretcher.

Tali began organizing the survivors they found, leaving them with some comm equipment so they could coordinate with the fleets for rescue and evac.   With that, they left the Citadel behind.

 

<<<<>>>>


	8. Flashbacks: After Thessia

_The ride back from Thessia was quiet_.  No one spoke.  Cortez usually made some sort of comment, or there was communication from the _Normandy_ , something.  This time, there was nothing.

Liara sat in the very back of the shuttle, crying quietly in a corner.  Shepard sat against a bulkhead, eyes staring straight ahead but seeing nothing.  Kaidan sat between the two, helpless.  Of course he felt awful for Liara.  It's... unfathomable to watch your planet burn, but... Earth had been burning for the last three weeks or so, and basically, the entire galaxy kept telling them, "there, there, little guy.  That sucks!"  All this flitting around the galaxy, brokering peace, finding war assets, all of it they were doing to convince everyone to help each other.  It got Kaidan mad every time he thought about how much _convincing_ it was taking everyone.

They docked in the _Normandy_ and Liara was the first one up and out of the shuttle.  Kaidan looked over at Shepard and, seeing that he was still lost, Kaidan went to him and offered him a hand up.  Shepard blinked up at him, surprised, and took the hand.  He surprised Kaidan further when Shepard pulled him close, hard and fast.  Never had he been so public with direct affection.

Without saying a word, they got off the shuttle with their arms around each other, stripped off their armor for decon, and went their separate ways, Kaidan to file a Spectre report, Shepard to break the news to Tevos, the asari Councillor.  He'd never looked so crestfallen.

 

Kaidan rose and put his datapad down as Shepard walked into the cabin, naked panic and a fire in his eyes.  Shepard closed the distance between them and kissed Kaidan, rough, hard, and needing.  Kaidan matched his desire easily, grabbing at the small of Shepard's back.  Shepard broke their kiss abruptly, pushing Kaidan back by the arms to look at him.

"Dammit, Kaidan," he said, his voice rough with emotion.  "That Banshee had you.  She pulled you off the ground... you saw what they can do..."

Kaidan spread his fingers over Shepard's mouth, lovingly shushing him.  "You got her to let me go.  You had my back.  I'm ok, Nathan."

"Kaidan, you can't... after all this, all this war, we finally got it together.  Nothing like that can happen again."

A sad humor settled across Kaidan's face as he looked at the Commander, his friend, his lover, his brother-in-arms.  "I think you know that's not possible.  We roll the bones every time."

Shepard skimmed his thumb under Kaidan's chin, and the kiss started lighter, sweeter, but the need grew as the kiss deepened.  They were tearing, literally tearing at each other's clothes in their need to connect, to feel alive.  Just the need to feel each other's skin was overwhelming it bordered on painful.

Grinding their hips together, they fell backwards onto the couch, toeing off boots, ripping at snaps and fastenings.  Kaidan had landed on top, and he hitched Shepard's legs around his waist as he pressed his chest down into the other man, heartbeat to heartbeat.  Their eyes met, full of raw desire, love, and, in Kaidan's eyes, a question.

"Pants," they said in unison, and both made to discard the offending pieces of cloth.  Naked, Kaidan bucked his hips, both their hard cocks rubbing together with a delicious friction that pulled breath in through clenched teeth.

 

#

"Kaidan," Shepard panted.  "I've never--"

"Oh," Kaidan exclaimed, pulling back.

"What are you doing?  Don't stop," he said breathlessly, fingers digging into Kaidan's ass, pulling him back.

"Nathan, that's got to be gentle..."

"Then be gentle, but just fuck me.  Now."

Kaidan looked around, somewhat panicked, for the lube, and it was fortunately under the table nestled in the couch.  He coated his erection generously, and then began massaging a finger into Shepard's eager asshole.  "Nathan, you're going to love this, but make sure to relax.  Just breathe through it."  He slipped another finger in while stroking his dick.  Shepard butted his arm with a hand and Kaidan poured some lube on Shepard, who began to stroke himself.

"I don't know, Kaidan.  Keep this up, I might not need you inside me," he said in a voice thick with lust.

The Major raised an eyebrow in disbelief.  "You say that now, but believe me, it gets better.  I'm going to put my cock inside you now, Nathan.  Keep breathing."

Withdrawing his fingers, but still massaging the entrance, Kaidan guided his cock into the Commander's hole, slowly but firmly, giving Shepard the time he needed to get used to the feeling.  They locked eyes as Shepard breathed, little beads of sweat popping out on his forehead.  Kaidan nodded encouragingly and began to roll the Commander's balls in his palm, giving the man something pleasurable to focus on while he got used to the sensation.  Shepard resumed stroking his shaft, a determined look on his face.  Once Kaidan was buried in Shepard, he paused for a minute, fighting his instincts, all of which were telling him to keep moving.

The look on Shepard's face changed from determination to excitement as his muscles became accustomed to the fullness he felt, and he bucked his hips.  The movement created a new sensation and his eyes flew open in pleasure.  Kaidan took that as his cue to begin movement.  The delicious friction, the warm tightness, was incredible.  It had been so long since Kaidan had fucked anyone, but he had to pace himself.  He wanted to last, but he didn't want to go so long as to make Shepard uncomfortable.

The two men were grunting and moaning, Shepard making little animal sounds, Kaidan speaking words of encouragement.  Soon, Kaidan saw Shepard's muscles quivering, and he new he was close.  He gently pushed Shepard's hand off his cock and began stroking the Commander in time with his thrusts, and Shepard clutched at the couch and shouted Kaidan's name as he came.  After a few more thrusts, Kaidan emptied himself into his lover and collapsed, his head finding refuge on the Commander's chest.

The eruption is too much.  They're both twitching and panting, clutching each other after a delightful first time.  Kaidan licks his lips and looks up at Shepard, who is looking down at him.

"Fuck, Kaidan.  That was incredible."

Kaidan nods his head mutely, overcome with emotion looking at this man he's waited for his whole life.

"I love you," Shepard says, blushing immediately as the words leave his mouth, but not taking them back.  He never would.

"Oh, I love you, too,"  Kaidan replied breathless.

#

Kaidan had run a hot shower for Shepard afterwards, to help relax his sore muscles.  Kaidan remembered his first time and how he'd had to figure everything out for himself.  He wanted Shepard to remember this experience fondly, and know that Kaidan loved him.

Shepard stumbled into the shower, pulling Kaidan with him.  Kaidan made sure to maneuver the Commander under the jets while kissing him.  They took care to wash each other, massaging and soothing.  The need, the love, was still there for both of them, though the sex had been great.  Kaidan forced Shepard against the shower wall, taking his erection in his mouth.  Shepard tasted so great, of sweat and sex, and soap, and gunpowder, and smelled just as good.  He began stroking himself as he sucked.

Rolling the Commander's balls again (he _really_ liked that), he brought the man to a quick orgasm that had Shepard's fingers digging into his shoulders.  There would be bruises there, he knew, but he drained Shepard of every last drop, putting a steadying hand on the man's stomach, because Shepard convulsed with his pleasure.  A few extra strokes and Kaidan came.

Shepard pulled him up into a healing kiss.  They dressed after that, all smiles and teasing, though Shepard's eyes didn't quite  lose that sadness.  Kaidan tried to put on the hoodie, but Shepard shook his head.

"I need it," Kaidan protested.

"You do not."

"But... I almost died.  That Banshee!"

That didn't improve the look on Shepard's face, so he handed it over.  He did take the leather jacket, though.  Holding hands, they boarded the elevator for the mess hall.  Garrus greeted them.  He took one look at them and began ribbing them.

"That reminds me, Kaidan, do you think you two can work on keeping it down?  Specialist Traynor was telling me the other day that she's tired of hearing squealing and thumping around every time you're up there.  She had to see Chakwas for neck pain from looking up at the ceiling every time you two decide to get bouncy."

"Bouncy?"

"Her word.  I told her I've seen you each naked before, and I didn't see anything that could bounce."

At that moment, Traynor walked by, scrambled egg-substitute on her plate.  "I said no such thing, Major.  These are scurrilous turian lies."

"Why do they have to be turian lies," Garrus pounced on her, and they moved to sit together.  "I thought it was Cerberus that hated aliens.  You Alliance people are all about making nice with the rest of the galaxy."

Kaidan caught Shepard's eye and they both smiled, blushing.  They joined Samantha and Garrus at the table, sharing in the good-natured ribbing the other two were giving each other.  Garrus began poking at the Commander, next.

"You know, Shepard, there's something I've never understood about you humans.  It's something that I see in all your vids, read in your books, and over the last three years, I've had a chance to see it for myself.  When your plans are coming to fruition, you always take the time to gloat, to explain your scheme.  And you, Shepard, you always give people the chance to explain themselves, and it's always some version of 'blah blah blah, because I'm a bad guy.'"

Kaidan chuckled at that, but Shepard looked at Kaidan appraisingly.  "I don't know, Garrus.  Giving people the chance to explain themselves has worked out a couple of times..."

Kaidan flushed at the implication, then cleared his throat.

"Has anyone heard from Liara?"

Everyone denied that they had, and at that moment, Traynor's omni-tool signaled something, which effectively ended the meal.  They cleared their plates, and then Joker came over the shipwide, telling Shepard that Liara was visiting Javik and things were getting heated.

 

<<<<>>>>


	9. The Cupertino

Once they got to the _Cupertino_ , Shepard was whisked away.  The whole team bum-rushed the med-bay, but the ship's doctor refused everyone but Kaidan.  He stood against a wall, watching them work diligently to clean Shepard up, to assess the damage.  He didn't understand a lot of what was going on, but he wasn't sure if that was because he was too worried, too relieved, or just not savvy enough.  Possibly a combination of all three.

After a seemingly indecent amount of time, one of the doctors peeled off and came over to him.

"Major Alenko, the good news is that the Commander is alive, and, there doesn't seem to be anything too bad with his body.  He should be able to recover.  There are severe internal injuries, broken bones and more, but it's treatable."

The tightness in his jaw, his chest seemed to loosen.  "So he _will_ recover?"

"Yes, Major, with care from a better equipped facility, and time, my estimation is that Commander Shepard will recover.  He will not recover overnight, he will not recover in a week, but he will recover."

"Then what's the bad news?"

"There was some head trauma.  Until he wakes up, I can't be certain how extensive it is.  I also don't have the equipment here.  We're a research vessel, mostly, not a hospital ship.  We've got to get him to a better medical facility, and soon."

"What do you recommend?  I'm not sure that we should go back to the Citadel."

"No, neither am I.  From what I've heard, the hospital there is either full of people already, or destroyed, or... in any case, it's not ideal.  I believe there were some asari hospital ships that were in the fleet, if we can make it back to one of them, they might be able to help."

They agreed that was the best course of action, so Kaidan ordered the ship back to the fleet, then summoned Traynor.  They met in a corridor, away from prying eyes.  She greeted him with a puzzled expression.

"Sam, I need you to get in touch with Miranda Lawson."

She sucked in a breath at the name.

"Sir, you understand that Miss Lawson is technically a wanted fugitive?  And bringing her to an Alliance facility is going to result in her arrest?  They turned a blind eye when she offered help against the Reapers, but there's no guarantee--"

"I realize that I am a Council Spectre with full authorization to bend the rules to get the job done, and that Miss Lawson would not technically be at an Alliance facility, seeing as how the _Athame_ is an asari hospital ship."

She smiled at that.  "As you wish, Major."

From there, they'd split up.  The former crew of the _Normandy_ gathered in a conference room, knowing that for some of them, it would be the last time they'd see each other for a while.  Some of them had already said their goodbyes to their friends that were left behind on Earth.

Liara, Tali, and Garrus, not being Alliance military, would be joining their respective races' efforts to rebuild.  As Alliance military, Vega, Cortez, Traynor, and Joker were subject to their orders.  As a Spectre, Kaidan had jurisdiction to pick his own team, but he had no mission right now beyond returning Admiral Anderson to Earth and getting Shepard well.  Though he would rather go with Shepard, as the ranking officer and a friend, he knew he should be the one to return Anderson to his home.  He decided that he would retain Cortez to pilot him so that he could get to the asari hospital ship after his trip to Earth.

 

#

Entering the conference room, he looked at his team.  Shepard's team, really.  Kaidan was good, and he had no doubts about it, but only Shepard could bring this team together.  Only Shepard could make this team work, and love each other.

"Shepard's the one with the speeches," he said awkwardly, and the team smiled.  "We did what we set out to do, we defeated the Reapers.  There is truly nothing more to say.  This is, clearly, the finest crew any of our species will ever know.  We came from so many backgrounds, so many different cultures, united by one belief: that the Reapers were a threat, and would destroy life as we know it.  Along the way, we became family.  We're missing some of that family, Ashley Williams, Mordin Solus, EDI, and Shepard, but they're not gone.  We'll always be united by these bonds, and while I'm sad to see us split up, I'm looking forward to what the future holds for us."

"Now's where the hard part starts," James said.  People smiled, or looked at him confusedly, so he explained, "now there's nothing left to fight.  Now we just... have to be."

Goodbyes were said, hugs were given, salutes all around, and while no one wanted to be the first to leave, Kaidan knew he had one more thing to do before leaving for Earth.  After one final glance at the team, his friends, his family, Kaidan turned and headed to the comm room.

The specialist on duty did a double take as Kaidan notified her of his intended recipient.  Efficiently, though, she worked her console and the image of Rear Admiral Hannah Shepard floated into view.  Kaidan lost his nerve for about half a second, staring into those blue eyes that he knew so well.

"Major Alenko," she said by way of greeting.  He'd seen vids and holos of her, of course, Shepard had shown them to him, but it was nothing like seeing the woman "in person."  There was an aura about her, that came through even a holo comm channel.  Kaidan could see where Nathan had gotten it from.

"Admiral Shepard, sir."

"Major, I'm really pressed for time, here, I'm unclear as to the nature of this call."

"Sir, I apologize.  I served with your son on the _Normandy_ \-- well, both of them, to be accurate.  I was... very close to the Commander."

"I"m not sure why you're telling me this, Major."

"Sir, we found him."  Kaidan was getting sick of her trying to give him the brush-off.  This wasn't how he'd imagined getting to meet Nathan's mother.  Hopefully, the good news would gloss over the irritation she seemed to be feeling about being pulled away from whatever it was she was doing.

"You found him?"  He saw her reach for something to hold onto.  She breathed out, a ragged, hope-has-returned breath.

"Yes, sir.  He was found in the Citadel, on the Presidium, charred and bruised, but alive.  We've been given the use of the _Cupertino,_ which is a science vessel, and they've done all they can for him.  He's going to be transferred to the _Athame_ , an asari hospital ship that's part of the fleet, where they can do more.  All indicators point towards recovery, Admiral."

"You love my son, Major."

 _"_ I--" Kaidan stammered.

"I can tell.  I always knew who among my crew was bunking down together.  I'm so glad.  Nathan never showed any interest in _anyone_ growing up.  That's neither here nor there, Major.  I assume I'll be meeting you on the _Athame_?"

"You'll likely beat me there, Admiral.  I wish I could go with him, but I have to first return Admiral Anderson to Earth."

She let out another breath.  "David was a friend.  A comfort after we lost Nathan...well, the first time.  I'll see you soon, Major."

Kaidan passed on the hospital ship's name again and signed off.  With that, he left for the med bay.

 

#

Shepard was a wreck.  It hit Kaidan like a ton of bricks, taking his breath away and knocking him into the bulkhead.  He gave himself a few breaths to steady himself, and then walked over towards his unconscious lover.  He couldn't stop the tears, of course, but he had to be near him.

Shepard was covered in... everything.  They'd cleaned him up, so a lot of the scorched skin was gone, much of what showed now was pink, fresh.  His cracked and shattered armor lay on a table next to him.  His skin shimmered with the blue stasis field they had him in.  There were bruises and cuts, his eyes were swollen shut, and Kaidan comforted himself with the knowledge that it would all go away.

"Scar tissue," Shepard had said dismissively once after a close call at the Cerberus fighter base.  "It fades.  It all fades."

"Hey, Shepard," he began after a few minutes, his voice catching.  He swallowed and tried again.  "Nathan... you did it.  You took the Reapers out.  You did everything you promised to do.  You even waited for me.  I gotta... I gotta take Anderson back to Earth.  He deserves it.  They're going to take you to an asari hospital ship, and your mother is going to be there.  I'll be right behind you.  You make sure you're awake when I get there, you hear me?  We've got a lot of life left to live."

The stasis field made things strange.  Kaidan couldn't kiss him, couldn't squeeze his hand, so he awkwardly patted the bed.

Clearing his throat, Kaidan got on the elevator and headed for the shuttle bay. As soon as the door shut, Kaidan began chewing on his thumb.   Cortez was waiting for him when the door opened.  Things had been awkward between the two of them at first, because Cortez had grown close with Shepard, bonding over the loss of Cortez's husband.  Shepard had been working with Cortez to get past that grief, and something had started to grow between them before Kaidan had returned to the _Normandy_.  Naturally, Vega had been the one to point it out to the Major, and when he'd asked Shepard about it, the Commander simply said that Steve Cortez was a good friend.

The Lieutenant saluted him as he approached the shuttle, and Kaidan clapped him on the shoulder.  "Let's do this, Lieutenant.  Is the Admiral secure?"

"Yes, sir.  He's not going anywhere.  Are you doing ok, Major?"

"Steve... you call me Kaidan.  These people on this ship, they call me Major."

The pilot smiled, warmth in his eyes.  "Sorry.  Been hanging around with the jockeys for the last couple hours.  Habit."

They climbed in, and Kaidan took the seat to Cortez's right.  If the pilot thought it strange, he said nothing.  Typically, the passengers sat in the back.  He hoped the other man could use the company.  Cortez started up the engines, requested clearance from the _Cupertino_ , and they were off.  The large blue, green, and brown ball that would become Earth loomed in front of them.

"I'll never forget the first time I saw Earth from space," Kaidan said.  "I was bound for Jump Zero, first time off-planet.  My mother had never been, never wanted to, but my dad had.  He always said once you got past the fear that you were going to fall all the way back to Earth, it was the greatest sight you could imagine.  My mom would swat him for it, and he'd make some lame comeback like 'except for your mother,' but once I saw it, I knew what he meant."

Steve smiled companionably.  "I'm colony-born, myself.  Grew up on Elysium, so the first time I saw Earth, I was headed to the Academy.  It felt like... something in my soul.  Elysium was home, paradise by all accounts, but Earth was... Earth."

And so they passed a couple of hours, discussing past and future, building on the hesitant friendship they'd been working on before the final battle.

"So, Steve.  Anyone in particular in your life?  I know you were spending some time on the Citadel during shore leave."

"Well, I _thought_ I was working on something with the Commander, but _some other_ Spectre came out of the woodwork and swept him away," he said with a smile.

Kaidan cleared his throat nervously.  "Yeah, about that... I didn't know--"

"Seriously, Major.  It's completely fine.  Once I saw the two of you together, it was clear there could never have been anyone else for him.  Besides, Shepard gave me hope and helped me get past the loss of my husband.  It seemed like longer to Vega, but it hadn't even been a year.  But Shepard has a way about him that helps you get over that sort of thing."

Kaidan smiled wistfully.  "The man does have a way."  He hesitated, and Cortez picked up on it.

"There might be someone, though."

"I _knew_ it.  Nathan told me he thought there was something going on between you two," Kaidan leaned back with a self-satisfied smile.

"Between me and who?"  Cortez truly looked surprised.

"You and Vega," the Spectre said, now a little uncertain.

"How did he know?"

"He told me about this time with you two in the shuttle bay, how you said something like, 'so you do care, Mr Vega, or is that the cerveza talking again?'"

"I thought we'd been so careful..."

"So did we, but then Nathan told Garrus, and it was everywhere.  I don't think anyone else knows."

"Oh, Liara does.  She caught us one time making out in the lounge."

"She's so _quiet_ ,"  Kaidan exclaimed.  "She caught Nathan and I one time in the mess hall LATE at night."

"I think she was using her Shadow Broker tools on the crew."

"Naw, she'd never."

Sure as he was, Kaidan had privately held that suspicion himself.  She was just too good at dropping in on people.

 

<<<<>>>>


	10. Flashbacks: Sanctuary

_Well, this is awkward,_ Kaidan thought.  They'd been hearing about Sanctuary almost since the beginning, whispered from the Presidium to the docks.  People boasting that they were going to be on the next ship, scoffing when their friends didn't believe them.  EDI had been collating data, trying to find the location, but it was hardly a priority for anyone.

Until Kai Leng headed there, and then it became Top Priority.

Kaidan's face had flushed when he found out that Sanctuary was on Horizon.  Not actually on the site of the old colony, but the same stupid planet.

Garrus had _loved_ to hear that.  Kaidan had _really_ tried to avoid eye contact with Garrus, but somehow, the movement of the turian's mandibles drew his eyes, and then it began.

"Oh, we're going to Horizon, are we?  Kaidan, are you going to go, or do you not want to believe the reports are true?"

"Garrus, when are you going to let that go?"

"When I stop finding your reaction funny."

Maybe it was part of Kaidan's personality, but even though Shepard had forgiven him for what happened on Horizon, Kaidan couldn't forgive himself.  He hoped that he didn't stalk out of the war room like he thought he did.  He knew he was possibly ( _probably)_ hyper-sensitive about this, so he didn't want Garrus to get the impression ( _satisfaction)_ that his comment had gotten under Kaidan's skin.  He hit the call button on the elevator and rode down to the Crew Deck with his arms crossed, lightly kicking the wall of the elevator with his toe.  When the door opened, he turned right instead of left, opting for the port lounge over the observation lounge.  He tried to calm down in the entertainment chair, putting on some soothing music, but he was too restless.

He has just poured his second drink when Tali walked in.  He stopped, mid-pour, like a guilty man.

"Kaidan," she said, somewhere between accusing, pity, and an exclamation.

He looked at her, abashed.  "Just grabbing a drink, Tali.  You know.  To calm my nerves."

 _Damn that mask,_ he thought.  He was sure she was looking at him reproachfully, but how would he know?

She moved to him and gently took the bottle away.

"I know you don't drink that much, Kaidan.  Usually it's just for fun, or a relaxing time, so I know something's up.  And I suspect it has something to do with Garrus ribbing you about Horizon.  You _have_ to forgive yourself for that, Kaidan."

"Tali... everyone else worked with him on the Collector mission.  Did you realize that?  Even Wrex helped him with his squad.  I was the only one who refused him."

"Kaidan, you humans are new to the galactic community.  You've accomplished so much, so fast.  Volus, elcor, quarians... we've been around forever and haven't gotten the respect or power that you humans did.  The humans that I know tend to try to make up for that by being the paragon of their species in every interaction.  But all of us have that rogue element that believes asari are the best and must be protected, or quarians shouldn't mix with outsiders, or 'turian dominance!'  Cerberus is extreme, yes, but they are a _rogue element._   By trying to be the paragon of your species, you rejected Cerberus because they were Cerberus.  And to feel, or even just think, that Commander Shepard, a man you'd known, loved, and mourned for two years, would be associated with them, was too much too quick, and you didn't have time to process everything.

"I don't know if Shepard told you, but I turned my shoulder on every Cerberus operative at first.  That Jacob tried to be nice to me, and I barely looked at him.  But did you notice?  Every Cerberus operative that worked under Shepard-- why are you blushing?-- every Cerberus operative that worked with Shepard left the organization after the mission.  Kelly, Miranda, Jacob, Ken & Gabby... all of them.  That means that you were right about them, that Shepard was right about them.  But they were the only people willing to do the job at the time, and that's how Shepard works.  Obviously, he's forgiven you, why can't you forgive yourself?"

"Because I should have been there," Kaidan said, hanging his head.  "I should have been better."

She sighed and sat down next to him.  "There are several sayings that seem to pop up in every culture--"

"'To err is human, to forgive divine?'"

"No, I'm pretty sure forgiving is human, too."

#

Shepard's mood was better after Horizon.  They'd managed to save Miranda and her sister, something Shepard had been worried couldn't happen.  He'd been convinced on the way down that he'd only be able to get one of them.  On the shuttle back, he had been teasing and joking with James about Miranda ( _how_ did _she walk in that uniform if it was so tight you could see separate ass cheeks?_ Kaidan wanted to know), though James was far more carnal in his comments about the genetically-perfect woman.  He had even taken great care to brush Kaidan's armored thigh with his fingers at _every_ chance.

After dropping their armor off for decon, he swatted Kaidan's black undersuit-clad ass playfully, then skipped to the elevator to take a shower.  With Vega in the elevator between them, there was no hanky-panky, but when they got into that shower, he'd been teasing and playful.  It was a quick shower, so there wasn't much more than wrestling done, but it was enough to lighten Kaidan's mood.  Shepard was already gone to report to Hackett when Kaidan stepped out to get dressed, but Kaidan decided to go visit Joker for a moment.

He should have heeded the warning glances that were aimed his way.  Too many people looked at him with wide eyes and barely perceptible shakes of the head, but Kaidan was feeling fine, so he barreled on into the cockpit to find his _least_ favorite crew member there.  Javik was leaning against the chair just behind EDI, quizzing EDI about the names of the nebulae and star systems of this cycle, and comparing them with the names they had in his cycle.  Joker literally had his own head in his hands, and alternated between deep sighs and rubbing the back of his neck.

"Ah, soldier.  You are back from another mission of dubious success."

"For someone that just learned English a few weeks ago, Javik, your mastery of sardonicism is truly remarkable."

"As is yours, Major.  Did we rescue another scientist to aid in the construction of the Crucible?  Cripple a secondary foe?  Or did we rescue a kitten?"

"Javik, did you have friends among the Protheans?  Did anyone like you?  Do we just not get you, and you were a friendly guy back then?"

"No, there were hardly times for friendship, much less courtship or any frivolity.  Everything was dedicated to defeating the Reapers, and such "friendships" as you have now were merely battlefield comradarie."

"Well, that makes me feel better about not liking you, then."  With that, Kaidan strode out of the cockpit.

Traynor shot him an "I tried to warn you" look.  Of the crew, only she and Shepard knew of his dislike for Javik.  With the rest of the crew, he didn't have to say anything, they all said it for him.  He simply sipped his drink and raised his eyebrows at them.

"So," Traynor said, feigning a casual tone.  "You rescued Miranda Lawson."

"She didn't ask about you."

The comm specialist let out a nervous laugh.  "Why would she?  She doesn't even know me."

"Wouldn't Diana get jealous if she knew you were looking at other women?"

"Oh, you wouldn't!"

"Nah.  You've been good to me.  Besides, it _is_ a nice ass."

"How does she walk in that thing if it's so tight you can see separate ass cheecks?"  Traynor asked, her voice full of awe.

"That's the same thing I asked Shepard.  He didn't know."

 

#

"Well, you got to meet Miranda," Shepard said as he walked into the cabin tossing a datapad down on his desk.  The hamster stuck his head out to squeak at the noise.

"You're going to scare the hamster to death one day with that."

"Udina's fine."

There was a long pause.

"You named the hamster Udina," Kaidan asked at length.

"Well, a hamster is like a rat, so..."

Kaidan closed his eyes in shame for a moment.  When he opened them, Shepard was in front of him, smiling enigmatically.

"Miranda seems nice," Kaidan said, floundering for another topic of conversation.  Anything to distract him.  That smile on Shepard's face usually meant one thing.

"She's not," Shepard said, leaning in to nip at Kaidan's jaw.

"She can't be that bad," Kaidan said, playfully pushing Shepard away.

"She's lethal and vicious.  No one likes her.  Jack hated her," Shepard said as he put his arms on either side of Kaidan, trying to trap him.

"Jack hates everyone," Kaidan said, beginning to laugh as he tried to duck under Shepard's arms.

"Bad example.  Tali hated her.  She just told me so," Shepard grabbed Kaidan's wrists and pinned him to the sofa.

By now, Kaidan was truly laughing.  He knew where this was going, but he was going to make Shepard work for it.

"She was down in the Port Observation Deck getting drunk.  She called her straw an 'emergency induction port.'"  At this, he started to nuzzle Kaidan's neck.

"No!  No!"  Kaidan started to squeak.  Shepard had found the one part on his body that was ticklish a few days ago, and had begun to ruthlessly exploit it.  He had to work hard to pin Kaidan down, as the two men were fairly evenly matched in biotics and physical strength.  Kaidan had tried shocking Shepard with a biotic field the first time, but that had only strengthened the other man's resolve.

Kaidan's ticklish histrionics always made Shepard laugh, and tonight was no exception.  Kaidan was helpless like this.  This one spot, which wasn't so much a specific spot as a travelling region of Kaidan's hyper-sensitivity, was so ticklish that Kaidan couldn't move from laughing so hard, and it was a delight to see this man, this powerful, sexy man, reduced to tears of laughter, like a child.  He kept at it for a minute, despite Kaidan's pleas, just for fun, but eventually he stopped, pulled Kaidan close, and kissed him.

Their tongues played with each other gently, and Shepard pulled Kaidan up from the couch.

"Come on, Alenko.  Let's get you some food before you get a headache."

 

<<<<>>>>


	11. The Athame

The asari hospital ship was beautiful, of course.  Still, though, it was the aftermath of a war, and the _Athame_ was full of screams, moans, and sobbing.  People had been shuttled up from Earth ever since Operation: Hammer had begun.  Kaidan bobbed and weaved his way through the crowed halls until he reached Shepard's room.  Upon entering, he was face-to-face with Admiral Shepard and her husband, Nathan's father.  Kaidan greeted them with precision, though his eyes drifted often to the Commander.

"Major Alenko," Major Jonathan Shepard said.  "Were you with Nathan during the mission?"

"Yes, sir, right up to the point that he took the Conduit to the Citadel.  We made a mad dash for the Conduit and then... he evacuated us.  We watched him take a blast from a Harvester.  Nathan got back up," he said with a soft awe in his voice.  "He wouldn't let almost being vaporized hold him back from stopping the Reapers."

A look and a smile passed between the Shepards.  It looked like they were about to say something when one of the asari doctors approached their group.

"Admiral, Major Shepard.  Major Alenko,  there is remarkable damage to Commander Shepard.  I hope you understand when I tell you, no human should still be alive.  I doubt an asari would still be alive with what he's been through.  That he is should be s a testament to his strength and will.  Be that as it may, the head trauma is going to be a problem for a little while, but he will recover.   Amazingly, he's awake.  We're about to put him in a healing coma, but he insisted on speaking with you first, Major Alenko."

Shooting an awkward and apologetic glance at Shepard's parents, Kaidan moved to his partner's bedside.  Shepard looked like a blackened wound, but his blue eyes were open, and Kaidan couldn't remember seeing anything as beautiful in his entire life.

"See what happens when I leave you behind," Shepard asked hoarsely.

Kaidan pursed his lips in reply.

"Did we get them?"  Kaidan smiled indulgently.

"Hey, you bet you did.  No stinking Reaper is going to stop Nathan Shepard."

"Good.  Now you can marry me."

Kaidan blinked rapidly in surprise.  "Only because you got them, though, huh?"

"Well, I couldn't very well ask the second human Spectre to marry me if I was a failure, could I?  People would question your judgement."

Kaidan seized Shepard's hand and kissed his blackened knuckles.  "I'd marry you if you tripped and fell in front of Sovereign himself."

"Good.  That's settled.  Now get out of here.  They tell me they have to put me to sleep.  I need it."

Kaidan chuckled.  "Yes, Nathan, you do.  You deserve it.  While you're asleep, can you plan the wedding?  I've got to clean up a mess made by this Shepard guy.  Took down the biggest threat the galaxy has ever known, but didn't think about all the flowers he'd be stepping on to do it."

"Quit whining and get back to work.  I'll be here."

"Do you want to talk to your parents?  They're both here."

"Jesus, Kaidan, I'm just a little burned and banged up!  What'd you have to call them for?" He gave an aggrieved sigh.  "Send 'em over, I guess."

Kaidan motioned them over, and stepped back a discreet distance.  Admiral Shepard squeezed his hand as she passed him, but said nothing.

Marry Shepard.  He was going to marry Shepard.  The best he'd ever hoped for was the chance to love Shepard as long as he could.  Even though he had always believed they'd defeat the Reapers, he'd never given much thought to what would come after.  Sure, there'd been daydreams, a family, a nice place of their own, but they'd just been daydreams, fantasies.  Now he would be able to do those things, and the future was wide open.

He was so lost in thought that he jumped when a hand touched his shoulder.  It was Admiral Shepard.

"Major Alenko, I believe there's something you didn't mention when we spoke earlier."

"Ma'am?  Or, sir?"

"How long have you and Nathan been together?"  There was no hint of malice, nor anger, nor anything other than a mother's joy.

"Just after the Cerberus coup, Admiral.  We served together on the _Normandy_ SR-1, and..." Kaidan gestured lamely, not sure how to explain all that had happened in between.

"And now I hear we get to call you son.  Congratulations," Major Shepard said kindly.  He put a hand on Kaidan's shoulder and stuck out his other for a handshake.  Kaidan took it, somewhat bewildered by the rush of events.

"I fussed at him for you," she said.  "That's no way to propose to someone."

"All I need is Shepard, Admiral.  Anything else is..." Again, he made a vague gesture to encompass frivolity.

"If I may, I'd like to call you Kaidan.  And unless I'm giving you an order, I'd like you to call me Hannah."

Kaidan thanked them and they spent a time chatting, getting to know each other.  Suddenly, Kaidan sat bolt upright.  A thought occurred to him for the first time.  This was the first chance he'd had to sit down, to rest, to do anything other than find Shepard in over a day.  

"Kaidan," Admiral Shepard inquired.

"If you'll excuse me, Admiral, Major, I need to call my mother.  This is the first chance I've had to check on her for weeks.  I need to find out if there's been news about my father."

"Of course!  We'll be here."

#

He had to pull the Spectre card, since communications were unreliable and therefore restricted, but Kaidan got a hold of his mother.  She was at one of the centers, volunteering, so he was able to get a visual link.  Her warm face filled the screen, she always did sit just a little too close.  Her hair was a little greyer than Kaidan remembered, and there were a few more wrinkles on her face, particularly around her mouth, they dragged the corners of her mouth down a little when she wasn't smiling, but the light in her eyes was undimmed.  Her nose wrinkled when she smiled, the same way Kaidan's did.  He felt calmer already, knowing that she'd survived.

"Kaidan," she said in greeting.  "Hi, son."

"Mom," he breathed.  The word was as much a greeting as a talisman against the anxiety building each second he didn't know his father's fate.  "It's good to see you."

"You, too, son.  I hear congratulations are in order."

For the briefest of moments, he wondered how she could have heard of their engagement, until he realized she was talking about the Reaper invasion.

"Yeah, we did it.  Well, Shepard did it.  We fought our way to the Conduit together, but Shepard defeated them by himself."

"Well, he couldn't have done it without you, Kaid.  I hope he knows that."

Kaidan smiled to himself.  "Yeah, ma, he knows that.  Mom, has there been any word from dad?"

"Not in the last couple of days.  He was alive before the fleets popped up around Earth, but he couldn't tell me where he was.  I'm sure he's fine."

"You mean you knew he was ok, but didn't call to let me know?"

"Kaidan Alenko, you were busy mounting an attack to save the galaxy.  I couldn't distract you.  You can calm down right now."

He closed his eyes in relief.  His dad was alright.  Most likely.  As an older soldier, he wouldn't have been on the front lines.  His finger started worrying the skin around his thumbnail.  

"Son?  Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, mom.  Everything's just great now.  There's something else I want to tell you, before you hear about it from anyone else."

She was predictably excited, swore that she'd contact Admiral Shepard, and promised to check back in to check on Shepard's progress.  He signed off, then shot a quick email to Admiral Hackett to see if his father could be located.  Then he leaned back in his chair and rubbed his temples.  He hadn't gotten any bunk time in... possibly two days.  He'd lost track.

As he made his way back to the Shepards, the adrenaline that had been battling his fatigue began to fail.  He could practically see it waving a white flag.

Admiral Shepard saw it as he approached, and she ordered him to find a bunk.  She stopped an asari doctor, who directed him to the crew deck to find an empty bunk.  Both Shepard's parents assured him they'd notify him immediately if there was any change with Nathan, but a healing coma was likely to last days, maybe weeks, but not hours.  He thanked them and stumbled until he got to a bed.

It was only a couple of hours, but during the war ( _and wasn't it nice to think of the war as past tense?)_ Kaidan had gotten used to working on four hours of sleep or less.  Though his sleep was fitful, when he rose, the edge of his fatigue was gone.  This was the first time he'd slept without Nathan in about a month.

The Shepards were right where he'd left them, asleep, heads bowed in on each other, a datapad lying on the seat next to either of them.  It brought Kaidan up short, this display of partnership.  While both were military, and went long periods of time without seeing each other, this was a team, just as solid as he and Nathan were.  They were lucky they both had such good examples in parents.  Major Shepard woke first, with a rueful grin.

"Sorry, Kaidan.  Just catching a little shut-eye," he said, with a bit of a Southern accent.

"Please Maj--Jonathan.  Please sleep some more, I didn't mean to wake you."

"Oh, I'm up.  We were just reading reconstruction reports.  If that won't put you to sleep, I don't know what will.  You were only gone for a couple hours, son.  Do you need some more time?  We'll let you know if there's any change."

"Sir, I appreciate that.  I can't sleep much, still too wired.  Besides, I lost two years with Nathan, and now that I have him, I just can't leave him."

Jonathan gazed down at his wife with a secret smile.  "I know what you mean."

#

Taking a moment to get some coffee, Kaidan heard the dulcet exotic tones of Miranda Lawson.  It's not that she was being mean, she was just... forceful.  He pushed past a couple of nurses tending to a turian and saw her, raven hair and impossibly tiny body oozing a haughty demeanor.  Bless them, the asari were keeping the fact they had Commander Shepard under wraps, which was the cause of Miranda's delay.  If they weren't, this whole area would be bombarded with press.  Seeing Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani might ruin the calm he'd found in sleep.

"I know Commander Shepard is here.  I was summoned by Spectre Kaidan Alenko to assist in his rehabilitation.  If you can't help me, get me someone who can--"

"It's alright," Kaidan jumped in.  "I did send for her.  Thank you," he said to the asari nurse, who had been beginning to look put out.  "Miranda, thanks for coming.  Shepard's this way."

Her white and black outfit, which once bore the Cerberus logo, looked a little singed in places.

"Are you ok," he asked.

"Is anyone, these days?  I had one of those modified turians on me.  Someone in my squad _finally_ decided to get him off me.  It was a little close.  You?"

"Had a tank thrown at me.  Just got a bloody nose."

"Show off."

Even though they'd never served together, and had only met briefly at Sanctuary, there was something about serving with Shepard that made you develop a shorthand bravado.  They fell into it easily.

"How bad is it?'  She looked a little apprehensive.  Kaidan had taken Nathan at his word that there were no feelings between the two of them, but Kaidan wasn't so sure that Miranda didn't have any for Nathan.

"It's bad.  They put him in a healing coma.  He's got burns and cuts, breaks..."

"How's his memory?  What happened?"

"I have no idea.  I didn't ask."

"You... didn't ask Commander Shepard what happened when he defeated the Reapers?"

"I was more worried about how he was doing, not what he did," Kaidan replied testily.

She opened her mouth to speak, then shut it again.  "Of course you were," she said with a little shake of her head.  "Lead the way, I'll see what I can do to help."

She greeted both Shepards, but kept things short.  Kaidan got the feeling she didn't want to give them a chance to question her too much.  She disappeared with the asari doctors and scientists into Shepard's room.  Kaidan excused himself again to go the comm room, deciding he'd try to get his father.  Unlike his mother, he was only able to get voice communication.  Their conversation was short, as Kaidan would expect.  His father was military, and while there was great love and respect between the two of them, and a closeness after a fashion, his father was more reserved than his mother.  Kaidan told his father of the upcoming wedding, and his father went silent for a moment.

"Dad?"

"I'm just so damn happy for you, son.  We were so worried about you, never seeming like you wanted to settle down with anyone."  The elder Alenko's voice was thick with emotion, which made Kaidan's eyes water a little.

They signed off shortly after that.  Sargeant Alenko informed Kaidan that he was headed to Vancouver shortly, having finished his tour.  Kaidan felt better, knowing that everyone at home would be ok.  He returned to his new family, where he saw Miranda speaking.  As he approached, Hannah touched Miranda's arm and nodded in Kaidan's direction.

"Major, I was just informing the Shepards that I was able to provide the asari with more information on the limits and functions of the implants Cerberus used when we brought him back to life.  That information has changed their treatment, and they expect to be able to pull him out of the coma in the morning. "

At that point, the asari doctor came over to them.  "He'll be awake, but he won't be going anywhere.  Not for a while.  Cybernetics be damned, he's still human, and it will take him some time to recover.  I'm sorry, but you're in for a long road.'

"We'll need to get Hackett up here, to debrief him," Major Shepard said.  "They'll have questions."

"I can think of a few people who will want to see him," Kaidan said.  "They'll have to wait.  I understand Admiral Hackett, but we need to keep this as quiet as we can.  Press, old teammates, general well-wishers..."

"It'll be a circus if it gets out," Miranda agreed.

"I'll contact Hackett.  Kaidan, maybe you'll want to contact some of the squad?"  Admiral Shepard was the picture of steely resolve.  She seemed to grasp that her son was bigger than any one of them, he was a symbol now, but she was his mother, and she was going to make sure to protect him as much as she could.

 

 

 

 

<<<<>>>>


	12. Flashbacks: Aboard the Normandy

_Kaidan didn't remember the food._   He was pretty sure it was awful.  Reconstituted proteins, or rations, or something not quite food.  That didn't matter.  Everyone was at the table this time.  James, Liara, Javik, Garrus, Tali, Steve, Sam, Dr Michele, Joker, EDI, Adams, Gabby, Ken... It was crowded, but Kaidan didn't think he'd ever been at a happier meal.  Sure, there were people missing.  It was in the sad looks passed between comrades, everyone could tell, but it was... family.

Kaidan and Shepard didn't sit beside each other, but that was ok.  They passed looks between them at James' jokes, or Joker's false bravado, and it was good.

"Hey, Scars, did I tell you about the time I took out a Brute all on my own while defending a turian platoon?"

"No, please, tell me.  I'd love to see if your story matches the way it happened, _because I was there."_

"Would you like to tell him about the time you helped rescue the Primarch, too, Vega?"  Joker hated it when Vega started bragging about all the action he saw.

"Shut up, china boy."

"China boy?"  That was Cortez.

"Because he's fragile... you know?"

"Not your best," Shepard said philosophically.

EDI told some mildly inappropriate story about Joker not breaking something during a makeout session, but everyone congratulated him just the same.  Kaidan saw Cortez giving his head violent, tiny shakes, trying to stay unnoticed, in Vega's direction.  Vega's mouth kept popping open, and he widened his eyes at Cortez in frustration.  Kaidan could only assume that Cortez was warning Vega not to ask the question on everyone's mind, regarding making out with a metallic construct.  He'd admit, he was curious, too, but that was one of those questions you didn't ask.

"Traynor," Vega said instead, and the young woman looked up, a deer who knew it was caught in headlights.  "Where's your girlfriend?  She never interviewed me."  Traynor's face closed off so quickly and completely that Kaidan knew who he didn't want to play poker with.  "Oh, don't be shy.  Ken over there tells me you spend _a lot_ of down time in the cargo hold."

Gabby swatted Ken on the arm, her face the picture of indignation.  "Ken!  You're not supposed to tell people things like that!"

"Aw, I didn't mean anything by it, lass.  I didna realize it was a secret!"

"I'm sure she's off filing something far more important than an interview with a meathead,," Traynor replied, an evil twinkle in her eye.

"That's Lieutenant Meathead, Specialist," James said to much laughter.

"Jeez, Shepard, were you hungry?  What did that protein bar do to you," Adams asked.

"He's Commander Shepard, and those are his favorite brand of protein bars," Kaidan intoned.

"There it is.  I've been waiting for you to make that joke," Shepard said.  "Everyone else has."

"You can't even imagine how surreal it was for me to come back to the Citadel from Horizon, fuming, and the first store I walk into for armor mods played that."

"I understand it took them all months to figure out their particular store wasn't your only favorite," Liara said, barely containing her mirth.

"It's true, I walked into many of the Zakera ward shops while they were trying to delete the audio.  Apparently, someone had installed a VI to duplicate the recording every time they tried to delete it," Dr Michele added.

"I understand the VI file was called 'red rose,'" Tali said meaningfully.

"Kasumi," Shepard said, the name sounding like a curse.

 

#

They finished their meal, and everyone scattered.  Some to make reports, some for preparations, Garrus for his calibrations, ("Garrus, you've been in the main battery for _months_ now.  What could possibly be left to calibrate?") and some for bunk time.

Kaidan and Shepard, though, strolled companionably past the Memorial Wall, each pausing in their lazy conversation to give respect to the names engraved there.  After that, they found themselves actually sitting in the Observation lounge, Kaidan's old hangout.  They sat on the couch, Shepard's head against Kaidan's shoulder, pointing out a star or constellation here and there, but mostly just being quiet.

The nerves were starting to get to them.

"Are you ok, Shep?"  The old nickname slipped off Kaidan's tongue so easily, though he hadn't called him that in a long time.

"No," the other answered easily.  "But I"m ok enough."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not much.  I"m just worried about being the idiot that dies at Cerberus HQ when we've got a bigger fight coming.  There's so many lives at stake from the Reapers, are we smart to distract ourselves with this?"

"I tell you what, if you die, I'll fight the Reapers with a helmet on and tell everyone I'm you."

"Well, that won't work."

"Why's that?"

"Well, for that scenario, I'd have to leave you behind, and do you think I'm going up against Cerberus without you by my side?"

"Aw, Shep.  You take me to the nicest places."

"Just think, when this is all over, I'll get to take you someplace nice."

And they sat in silence for a while at that happy thought.

"I should go," Shepard said, standing.  "I need to review our intel, do some planning..."

"Do you want another pair of eyes?"

"I can't be sure, but I think I'm already on my second pair," he replied, evading.

Kaidan's mouth twisted in humor and exasperation and he looked up at the Commander.

"No, Kaid.  Sit tight.  I don't know how long I'm going to be at it, and I don't want to keep you up."

He was out the door before Kaidan could reply.

#

Kaidan paced the floor restlessly.  The Observation room didn't have much in the way of creature comforts, just a couple couches, a couple lounge chairs, and some books.  He had probably picked up and discarded fifteen books before Liara came in.

Their eyes met, hers full of sympathy, his full of concern.

"Why are you down here, Kaidan?"

He puffed out his cheeks and let the air out.  "I'm nervous."

She slumped her head in a remarkably human gesture of disbelief.  "You're nervous about _this_?"

"It's a little nerve-wracking, Liara.  We're getting ready to attack the Cerberus headquarters.  Who knows how well-defended they are?"

"I say again, you're nervous about _this_?  When we still have the Reapers to defeat?"

"Oh, I'm not just nervous attacking Cerberus.  This is _it._   Everything, the last three years, it's all coming down to _this._   The friends that we've lost, the sacrifices we made, it was all in service of defeating the Reapers.  It's just a little... heady."

"I suppose it is," she said, resting her hip against one of the couches.  "Are you nervous about Shepard attacking Cerberus?"

"No," he replied categorically.  "There's no doubt in my mind that Shepard is Shepard, that he's completely in control of himself."

"So why are you down here, tearing your thumb to shreds, pacing a trail on the deck plating, when you could be up there with Shepard?"

"He said he needed time."

"Bullshit."

Kaidan blinked in surprise.  He'd never heard Liara talk like that.  "I..."

"Kaidan, I think you and I, possibly more than anyone, know that Shepard wants the time alone with his thoughts, but at times like this, he needs someone to take the burdens from him."

"I don't know what to do, Li.  This isn't my mission.  I have a pretty good grasp on the scope of what we're up against, but I don't have all the pieces.  I don't know how I can help him."

She quirked her eyebrow marking at him, another patented sign of disbelief.  "Kaidan, you have always helped him.  You remember when we melded so I could help him understand the Cipher?  I had access to all his memories.  You were his brightest memories.  It has always been you."

"Why couldn't you tell me that back then," Kaidan cried, throwing his hands in the air.

"If you'll remember, all three of us wanted a piece of him.  I wasn't so noble as to not try.  I hoped I could turn his head.  Anyway, my point is, you have always helped him.  You have always been each other's bright spot.  He is up there working himself to death, checking every angle, every possible point of infiltration, going back over every class fighter Cerberus has thrown against us, and his eyes will bleed before he's finished.  He won't be fresh, and he will make mistakes.  Get up there and stop him!"  With that, she began to walk out.

"Liara?"

She turned to face him.  "Yes, Kaidan?"

"What are you doing to calm down?"

She got a wicked grin on her face.  "I'm going to see Javik."

He blinked in surprise.  Her expression changed to one of bewildered concern.  "Oh, come on.  I've studied Protheans all my life.  Why not experience all they have to offer?  Is it really _so_ surprising?"

After she left, Kaidan looked around.  He decided he needed a prop to get Shepard to open up tonight.  He then remembered the bottle of Peruvian whiskey in his locker, and grabbed two glasses from the bar in Port Observation.  His bravado carried him up the elevator, and just as he was about to enter the cabin, the door opened and Shepard was there.  

 

 

<<<<>>>>


	13. Earth: Atlanta

After almost two weeks, the asari were ready to release Shepard from the daily care.  Garrus, Tali, and Liara had visited, of course, once Shepard had gotten out of the coma.  Wrex had sent a long, strongly worded message about Shepard losing a testicle the longer he stayed in the hospital with such pitiful injuries.  Shepard had needed to explain to Kaidan that Wrex was sure Shepard had four, and didn't want Kaidan to assure Wrex otherwise.  Everyone from Conrad Verner to James Vega had sent messages, but they just weren't letting people in.

The debriefing with Alliance Command had taken _hours_.  The Citadel Council joined them via QE.  Admiral Hackett's eyes had twinkled with humor as he "accepted with objection" Kaidan's insistence on remaining, as a Council Spectre.  Hackett had, uncharacteristically, sworn when Shepard got to the part of the Illusive Man's indoctrination.   While it was assumed, confirmation was another thing.  They all fell silent at the news of the man's self-sacrifice.  The details of Anderson's death was met with much grief, though everyone remained silent.

Strangely, it was the decision that Shepard made to destroy the Reapers that drew the most questions.  No one understood quite why the Conduit had chosen the form of a small boy, and Shepard said it had offered no explanation.  The brass had many questions about the life that had come before, necessitating the development of the Reapers, with one Admiral asking, voice dripping with sarcasm, why it would create a race of Synthetics that kill Organics so that Organics wouldn't create a bunch of Synthetics who then kill Organics.  Again, Shepard had no answers.  They also asked a lot of questions regarding the other choices Shepard was presented.  Finally, Shepard had enough.

"Look, I chose the best option for what we'd all been working towards for the last three years.  I could have given in to the Illusive Man's plan and controlled them, in which case you'd all be accusing me (again) of being a Cerberus plant.  I could have joined us with Synthetics, but that didn't seem like I choice I should make for _everyone_ , or I could have just let us continue fighting, dying.  So, I chose to honor the sacrifices that have been made by friends and soldiers, to destroy the Reapers.  The geth, EDI... it can all be rebuilt."

"But the mass relays!  You've crippled the galactic economy, interstellar travel!"

"Admiral Covers, I'd like to know what you'd have done," Shepard said, eying the older man with disdain.  At that, the man fell silent.

"Well, Shepard, thank you for your report.  We won't keep you from your recovery," Hackett said, forestalling any further discussion or argument.  The other officers stood and filed out of the room, a general conversational buzz that left the room with them. Only Hackett and Kaidan remained with Shepard.  Kaidan left his sentinel position, leaning against the bulkhead with his arms crossed.  As a soldier, he understood the need for the debriefing, but he was more than that to Shepard, so it had taken great effort to stay silent.  He moved to the bed and took Shepard's hand.

"Shepard," Hackett began, a rueful grin on his face.  "I want to personally congratulate you on defeating the Reapers, and thank you.  You pulled off a hell of a thing, and a lesser soldier would never have gone as far as you did."

"Thank you, sir," Shepard said, squeezing Kaidan's hand.  "I could never have done it without your leadership and support, and the team I had with me."

"There's been talk of bumping you up a couple notches on the command ladder."

"No, thank you, sir.  I'm in no position to be of any help right now, and a symbolic promotion just doesn't feel right."

"Plus, you're technically outside the Alliance chain of command anyway.  There was also some whispered mention of getting you to replace Udina on the Council--"

" _NO,"_ both Shepard and Kaidan exclaimed at the same time.  Hackett couldn't help but chuckle.

"That's what I thought.  What, then, are your plans?"

"Plans?  You don't have orders for me," Shepard asked, confused.

"Absolutely not, Shepard.  You are currently on medical leave, indefinitely.  Once you're standing, we'll need to have a ceremony or two.  We'd like to have you at Anderson's funeral, if you can make it."

And so that had been Shepard's first public appearance since the defeat of the Reapers.  The doctors had balked, fussed, and refused, but Shepard went anyway.  Immediately following the funeral, Kaidan and the asari nurse had bundled him back to the _Athame_ without answering any media questions.  Clearly, he was going to have to do some sort of press conference, but that would wait.  He served out the remainder of his convalescence more or less without complaint (to anyone but Kaidan), and was soon ready to go back to Earth.

 

#

 

Shepard did love the house, he thought sitting on the porch in the waning afternoon light.  He sat sipping his beer and looking out at the city. Parts of it were still on fire, he could see the sickly grey smoke coming up in great pillars.  From here, though, this house, things looked good.  A two-story bungalow had been arranged in one of the greener parts of Atlanta.  The first floor bedroom had been set up for them, with Shepard's model ships, aquarium, and even Udina, the hamster.  Liara had been surprised to enter Shepard's cabin and find them all intact after the crash, and had obligingly sent them to the Atlanta home when Kaidan informed her of the plan.

The place wasn't much, naturally.  What with the cleanup of the war, and his and Shepard's personal tastes, a relatively unobtrusive place was all they needed.  There was one thing Kaidan insisted on, and that was a skylight in their bedroom.  It had taken some doing, but it had been exactly what they needed.  Shepard took in their surroundings, his eyes pausing at the stairs.  He loved the skylight, he loved the model ships, the aquarium, all of it.  He loved the life that he and Kaidan were building.  What he didn't love, though, was his body.  He'd been betrayed, he felt, by his shell.  He thought it an awful perversion of the body/soul disconnection Thane had often spoke of.

Progress was being made, he knew.  He could walk short distances by himself, longer ones with the assistance of a cane, but those distances were measured by rooms, not kilometers.  The warm city air, they'd arbitrarily decided, would be good for Shepard. Dr Chakwas was there helping with his physical therapy, consulting with Miranda. There was lab equipment for Miranda upstairs, and the physical therapy equipment in the dining room, but the two women had their own accommodations nearby.

Once again, the Alliance was doing some jockeying to keep Shepard's location a secret.  The fact that he was leaving the hospital ship had gotten out, and after some searching, Liara admitted that it wasn't the asari nor the Alliance that leaked the information, which Kaidan took to mean that Garrus had.  There hadn't been any press when they arrived in Atlanta, so Garrus must not have mentioned _where_ Shepard was going, simply that he was.

He was so lost in thought, he almost missed the sound of Kaidan coming up behind him.

"It's hot out here, Nathan."

"And humid.  Never had to worry about that before."  Kaidan's naturally curly hair was no longer able to be controlled by hair gel, so unless there was any important video conferencing, he didn't bother.  He wore a tank top and some shorts, and wrapped his arms around Shepard from behind.

Shepard's own hair was beginning to grow out.  It was sort of a cinnamon brown, Kaidan was surprised to see.  He wasn't sure what he'd imagined, but such a soft color almost seemed... out of place.  Kaidan buried his nose in the short growth and planted a kiss.

"What's on your mind, Spectre?"

"Not too much, Spectre," Kaidan replied.  "I have to catch a shuttle in the morning to the Citadel.  The Council wants to have a ceremony showing their commitment to rebuilding and all that.  Now that a couple of the mass relays are back up and running, they think it's a good time."

Shepard sniffed at that, glad that he wouldn't be expected to attend.  He'd done his part, gotten his medal shortly after he'd been able to walk.  The reporters _had_ been there for that one.  Khalisah, Diana, and more.  He'd been sad that Emily Wong wasn't there, but he'd mentioned her in his speech praising heroes from the grand to the mundane.  He'd grumbled the entire time he wasn't in front of a microphone to Kaidan, because he'd wanted the first public appearance with him standing to be their wedding, but they hadn't been able to pull that together before the Council decided to honor him.

"Well, good.  I've got the latest from Liara for the wedding, so I can go to go over those tomorrow."

With both sets of parents and Liara, the wedding was essentially being planned for them in Vancouver.  That was where Kaidan wanted it, and Shepard didn't really have a home on Earth besides their home in Atlanta, so he hadn't had a preference.  The guest list was predictably huge, with only people that had _really_ pissed Shepard off not being invited.  That list was rather short, but it included Dalatrass Linron, Admirals Han'Gerrol and Xen, and a few other dignitaries.

Kaidan gave Shepard another kiss for good measure and told Shepard he'd be in the bedroom.

Shepard smiled.  Yes, he did so love the life they were building.

 

#

 

Kaidan was naked and waiting for Shepard when the Commander locked the bedroom door.  Dr Chakwas had cleared him for sex, but had told him nothing too strenuous yet, which was lucky because both of the men were ready to chew through wood.  Shepard had reminded Kaidan that there could be pleasure in not destroying each other with sex.

He stood walked to Shepard slowly.  Nathan was wearing a linen shirt and some just barely too-big shorts, and Kaidan slid his hands under the shirt to feel Shepard's skin.  Shepard began kissing Kaidan's neck, careful not to tickle him.  (That had happened once, and it had ruined the mood for a whole ten minutes)  Shepard began to run his hands over Kaidan's body, cupping his ass, loving strokes and carresses.

"You're mighty gentle tonight," Kaidan whispered, running his fingers through the short growth of hair on Shepard's head.  "What's gotten into you?"

"Nothing yet," Shepard said, a smile in his voice.  "That's your job."

The frank words made Kaidan's breath hitch, and he pulled back to look at Shepard.  "Are you sure," he asked, his serious eyes dark with desire.

"Yes," the simple reply came softly, Shepard's lips so soft they brushed Kaidan's, who responded by kissing him hungrily.  Kaidan obligingly helped him out of his shirt, then slid his hands into the shorts, cupping Shepard's ass and pulling him in.  The action caused their groins to meet, and Kaidan gasped and bucked his hips to get some of that friction.  Not breaking the kiss, he unbuttoned the shorts which then fell to the floor.  Neither of them being accustomed to the heat, they'd grown accustomed to not wearing underwear.  This proved advantageous as Kaidan could now grind himself into Shepard's flesh.

Nathan led Kaidan to the bed, laying on his stomach and presenting his ass to the Major, who let out a ragged breath at the sight.  He lay himself on top of his lover, pressing his groin into the cleft of the other man's ass, the friction giving rise to a whimper from Shepard and a moan from Kaidan.  He slid his hips back and forth a few times, making Shepard arch his back and throw his head back.  Kaidan patted the bed for the lube he'd had the foresight to put out before they got too far in, then found it and slicked up one of his fingers.

"I don't need your fingers, Alenko," Shepard gasped, pushing his hips backward to indicate what he _did_ need.  Kaidan ignored him, intending tonight to be gentle, and be drawn out.  He slid a finger into Shepard, kissing him at the base of his neck between his shoulderblades, eliciting a breakout of goosebumps.  Shepard cried out in pleasure from the sensation, a sound that weakened Kaidan's resolve.  "I said I don't need them," Shepard tried again, panting.

The truth was, this was as much for Kaidan as it was for Shepard.  Kaidan loved the thought of stroking Shepard from the inside, it was a huge turn-on for him.  So rather than listen to his lover, he slipped another finger inside, twisting them and stroking the powerful muscles.

Finally, it was more than enough arousal for Kaidan, and Shepard was beginning to sweat with need, so Kaidan lubed his cock up and, with agonizing slowness, sank himself into Nathan, both men sighing with relief and pleasure as it finally happened.

Kaidan then began a slow rhythm, pulling until he was almost out, then plunging back in again.  Shepard's hands were out to the side, fisting in the sheets.  The intensity of the sensations was incredible, every bit as great as the heated sex they'd had on the _Normandy_.  As he got closer to orgasm, Kaidan pulled Shepard back so his ass was in the air and changed to short strokes using just the tip of his cock.  Nathan surprised him by not pushing back for more, but he could tell by the Commander's breathing that Nathan was getting close.  He reached around to grasp the cock that was painfully hard and dangling between Shepard's legs and pumped and squeezed in rhythm to his own strokes.  

With one loud, long cry, Shepard came hard, his entire body clenching around Kaidan, and Kaidan came like a flashbang grenade, his ears ringing with the intensity.  All the worry, the heartsickness he'd felt at being left behind at the final push, the worry and rush he'd felt while trying to get to Shepard, it all was too much, and it manifested itself into one orgasm that felt like it lasted forever.

It took a long time, but he finally eased out of Shepard and pulled him into a languid kiss, both of them panting for air and clutching at each other as they came back to Earth.

 

<<<<>>>>


	14. Flashbacks: Priority: Earth

_Limping just a little,_ Shepard hopped down out of the shuttle as soon as it stopped in the _Normandy_ 's bay.  The fight with Kai Leng had been just shy of difficult, but that one damn Phantom had gotten him good with her sword.  Kaidan could tell, Shepard had been satisfied to plunge his omni-blade into the ninja assasin's abdomen.  Kaidan had been happy to see it.  "For Thane," indeed.  It was for Shepard.  It was for Ashley.  It was for everyone.

Kaidan stepped out of the shuttle when Cortez landed it, the way it should be done.  His grey and blue armor, he was sure, smelled so bad that EDI was going to start drawing associations from it.  He stripped everything off but the black undersuit wordlessly, nodding to EDI as he dumped everything for decon.  Shepard was already gone, off to communicate with an admiral, a councilor, or possibly a chieftain.

Kaidan would let him do his job, but he wouldn't let him go too long.  After that video log, there was only one thing that Shepard needed, and Kaidan needed it, too.

He was preparing to head up to their cabin to wait him out when Cortez caught his arm.  He spun around, perhaps with more force than was warranted, because Cortez immediately removed his hand and put it up in a conciliatory gesture.  Kaidan softened the atmosphere with a smile.

"What's going on, Steve?"

"I'm just checking on the Commander.  He seems a bit... aggressive."

Kaidan quirked an eyebrow.

"More than usual.  This is buried.  It's like... something personal."

"The Commander learned some things on that station.  Things that made him question some of his beliefs."

Cortez cocked his head to the side, somewhat puzzled, somewhat challenging.

"I can't really say more than that, Steve.  He'll figure it out."

"Are you sure it's not something we should know about?"

"It wasn't that kind of thing."

With that, Kaidan got on the elevator and pushed the button for the cabin.  He rested his hands against the wall and gently smacked it a couple times as the lift rose.  He'd never be able to make the Illusive Man pay enough.  He just had to come to terms with that.  But he could minimize the damage.  He could be there for the people he ruined.

When the doors opened, he entered the room, stripped off the undersuit, and took the best damn shower of his life.  Smoke, thruster fuel, guts, gore, and more washed off him, and he rested his cheek against the cool metal of the shower wall.  He turned and looked at his reflection in the mirror, seeing the bruises that Shepard would point out tonight, and just not caring.

To hear his earlier doubts voiced by Shepard, as well as the Illusive Man, it burned.  Rather than confirming any suspicions Kaidan had once harbored, they caused him to burn with shame.  He knew Shepard now.  He'd known Shepard before.  Nothing had changed, except now there were scars, curves of muscle that Kaidan could draw from memory.  The man hadn't changed.  Grown, but not changed.

He turned the water off and dried himself off.  Draping the towel over his shoulders, Kaidan rubbed some gel in his hair.  He wasn't quite at the point that he was ready for Shepard to see the curls.  Not just yet.  _Leave the mystery as long as you can_ , his mother had once counseled.  Not about curly hair, but Kaidan interpreted her advice as often as he could.

Just then, Shepard entered.  One look at him and Kaidan knew he'd been right.  He pulled Nathan in close, running his fingers over the buzzed hair, quietly muttering.

"You're Nathan Shepard.  There's only one of you.  You've always been real."

"Kaidan..." It was whispered haltingly, halfway between a talisman and a sob, and it was the most gut-wrenching sound Kaidan had ever heard.  Together, they sank to their knees, Shepard's arms wrapped around Kaidan so tightly.  Kaidan could feel the shallow breaths the other man was taking and knew they were shallow so Shepard could suppress the sob he wanted to let go.

Kaidan stroked his head and kept whispering, loving and reassuring, affirming his belief in this great man that he got to have by his side every day.

It had taken a couple minutes of silence, much stroking and comforting touches, but Shepard finally came back to himself.

"Kaidan?"  His voice was muffled by the crook between Kaidan's neck and shoulder.  Kaidan hummed in reply.

"Kaidan, you're naked and sitting on a metal floor."

"Yes, I am," he said, not moving.

"Aren't you cold?"

"Yes.  Other things mattered more."

Shepard brushed his lips over Kaidan's then pulled him up.

"Put some pants on, dirty old man."

"Prude."

Shepard smiled as he slid his undersuit down and stepped into the head, turning on the shower.

 

#

 

Kaidan awoke from his nap as Joker's voice came over the comm.

"Commander, you've got a priority message from Admiral Hackett requesting to come aboard."

Shepard granted permission instantly, as though he hadn't been asleep.  The permission was sort of a formality... who knew?  Shepard was a part of the Alliance military, but he operated outside their command structure because of his Spectre status... whatever the case, Hackett had been following protocol and courtesy with the request, and Shepard was eager for the next move.

Kaidan stretched, feeling that lovely ache in his muscles as his thighs slid together, slick with lube and cum.  It brought a smile to his face.  Shepard had fucked him hard, making sure to touch Kaidan as much as he could, something Kaidan had also done.  The love was there, and real, but Shepard had also needed to feel real, and Kaidan had needed to prove that he knew that Shepard was real.  The kisses, hot and passionate, had been loving, but there had also been an element of staking claim to them.

Shepard rolled out of bed, throwing on his dress blues and hitting the elevator before Kaidan had even touched his feet to the floor.  He wasn't even sure Shepard was wearing underwear.  Sitting up, Kaidan put on his duty uniform, checked to make sure the hamster ( _Udina...  For crying out loud, he named the damn hamster Udina)_ had enough food, then headed down to the mess hall for lunch.

He listened as Hackett made his speech, inspiring and serious, thinking it sounded an awful lot like one of Shepard's speeches.  The soldiers around him nodded, and when Hackett finished, there was a buzz in the air, determined and excited.  Kaidan gulped down his food, whatever it may have been, downed some coffee-like swill everyone said Vega had made, and then reported to the war room for his squad assignment.

Everyone was antsy.  Even EDI was shuffling.  Kaidan moved to stand between Tali and Liara, acknowledging each with a nod.  Shepard approached them, and Kaidan noticed that he was walking funny.  Shepard always complained of "jelly legs" after sex, and Kaidan could see the evidence before him.  He wiped his smirk away and stood at attention.  Shepard acknowledged them with a jerk of his chin, then moved to the war map.

He detailed the mission, Hammer and Sword's objectives, then handed out the squad assignments.  He was pairing everyone so there'd be a tech, a biotic, and a heavy arms person.  He was bringing Kaidan and James with himself, and Kaidan swallowed hard.  The three of them had taken on some of the hardest missions, and it was an honor to go into this fight with two people he couldn't trust more.  James was reaching across Liara for a fist bump, and Kaidan obliged.

Shepard cleared his throat and told everyone to get some bunk time before they got to Earth, a statement that was met with confused glances.

"What," he exclaimed, taking notice.  "You'll get your damn speech when we get to the FOB.  This fight right here is going to be nothing.  I'm not wasting it, do you think those speeches grow on trees?"  He turned on his heel and left, but not before Kaidan saw the amused twinkle in Shepard's eye.

 

#

 

It had been a hell of a speech.  Hell, Kaidan had felt the adrenaline rush and was ready to walk up to Harbinger and punch it in the red laser chamber personally.  Shepard turned and strode out to meet Anderson, but Vega and Kaidan remained behind momentarily to say, well, goodbye to their friends, just in case.  Now that they'd reached the FOB, the rest of the _Normandy_ crew would rejoin Sword, maintaining a lower orbit in case an evac was called for.

Kaidan started with Javik first, because that would be the easiest.  They merely nodded, and that was all Kaidan cared to give him.  He was a great fighter, but that wasn't enough to build a friendship upon.  EDI was almost bouncy, she was "eager."

Kaidan met Garrus's eyes turian's face... soften.  As much as a chitinous exoskeleton could.

"Keep yourself safe, Kaidan."

"No promises, Vakarian.  I've got to try to keep up my kill count so when we compare, you won't be embarrassed."

"That's... not going to be a concern, Major."

Kaidan smiled and prepared to move on to Tali when Garrus caught his arm.

"And try to take care of him, too."

They locked eyes.  "Always," Kaidan replied.

Tali was more subdued.  "Kaidan..."

"I know, I know.  I should have switched to the Nexus Omni-Tool."

"Please.  It's way too advanced for you, I don't know what I was thinking.  Then you'd be calling me in the middle of a fight because you didn't know how to use it... this is better."  Her tone was light, but she laid a hand on his chest fondly.

Kaidan shifted his eyes to Garrus and said, "you two take care of each other."

He heard what sounded like a stifled sob from her, then he moved on to Liara.  They stared at each other for a moment.  He honestly couldn't bring himself to say anything.  He didn't know what there was to say.  Shepard had indicated that Liara had helped him open up to Kaidan, Kaidan knew that she had helped guide him to Shepard.  She'd been a trusted friend from the moment they met.  She leaned in and rested her forehead against his chin.

"See you on the other side," she choked out, her voice barely more than a whisper.

He leaned down and kissed her forehead.  "You bet."

With that, he strode out of the apartment they'd been using for the FOB and joined Shepard and Vega, who'd already formed up with the rest of Hammer.

Shepard met his eyes and quirked an eyebrow, which was their shorthand for, "are you alright?"  Kaidan blinked and gave Shepard His smile, which had become their shorthand for "yes, and when we get back to the ship, you're _so_ getting laid."

He took some delight in the shifting Shepard did in his armor that meant certain parts of it were now fitting tighter.  Parts located around his hips.

"Everyone set?"  Anderson was walking up and down the line, checking gear, inspecting weapons, and making ready."

"Sir, yes, sir," came the chorus.

"Let's move out!"

 

<<<<>>>>


	15. Return to the Citadel

Three weeks later, Nathan was walking without a cane.  He'd even managed a light jog that morning and returned to the house dripping with sweat and the biggest grin Kaidan had ever seen on his face.  As his recovery had progressed, the thing that Shepard was most looking forward to had been self-reliance.  He'd long since stopped asking Kaidan to do everything for him, but Shepard knew that before long, his dependance on Kaidan was going to get old for one of them.

While there'd been the odd ceremony or meeting to attend, Kaidan had largely been helping Shepard with his recovery.  There were messages back and forth with Liara and both sets of parents as the wedding drew closer.  The guest list had been nailed down, with just the right balance of dignitaries to acknowledge Shepard's role (" _our_ role," Shepard often insisted) in galactic events, but it was largely a family & friends affair.  Representatives from every Citadel race, except the batarians, would be there, and the crews of both _Normandy_ s.  The only name Kaidan couldn't place was Felicia Hannigan.  He didn't ask, but he knew her name wouldn't be on the list if she wasn't important to Shepard.

Kaidan stepped out of the steaming bathroom, rubbing the towel over his hair to dry it and walked into the living room, where Shepard was reclining on the couch in pajama bottoms, a datapad in his hands as he scrolled through some report or another.  Shepard glanced up briefly then did a double-take at his fiancé's state of undress.  A sly smile played across his lips as he beckoned Kaidan closer, setting the report aside.

Kaidan obliged and Shepard leaned over to place a tender kiss on the shaft of his penis, something he did occasionally that never failed to take Kaidan's breath away by the tenderness of the act.  It was never something that was done to initiate sex, it was merely an acknowledgement of the intimacy of their bond.

Clearing his throat, Kaidan asked Shepard about the report.

"Councilor Sparatus sent it to me, with a note saying he'd be in touch."

"That doesn't sound good," Kaidan said, tossing the towel on the  couch and sitting beside Shepard.

"It's not," Shepard replied, his fingers crawling until they met Kaidans, and he entwined them absently.  "It's an update on the talks with the krogan, allowing them to colonize.  The krogan ambassador has gone missing after a particularly heated meeting with one of the salarian dalatrasses."

"Linron?"

"God, wouldn't it be fun to nail her ass for something?  But no, not her.  One I've never heard of, Chinnan."

"Why would the krogan be negotiating with the salarians?"  The two creases between his eyebrows showed as Kaidan picked up the report.

"One of the council's conditions to even discuss krogan colonization beyond Aralakh.  They believed that the krogan deserved the opportunity to prove themselves, but they were determined to make them work for it.  Valern wasn't completely opposed to curing the genophage, but he sure didn't encourage me."

"I wish I could have been there to see that."

"Me, too," Shepard said softly.  He reached up to touch the back of Kaidan's head.  There weren't any scars or outward signs of the trauma Kaidan had suffered at the hands of the Cerberus mech, but Kaidan knew that's what he was rubbing his head for.  It was incredibly endearing.

"So, you think they're going to rope you back in to find a missing krogan ambassador?"

"Nah," Shepard said, a little too dismissively for Kaidan to take it seriously.  He narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the other man, who caught the look and answered it with one of complete innocence.

"What?  They don't need me.  They have plenty of other well-trained and more mobile Spectres."

"That they'd trust with this?  Who?"

Shepard simply looked at him.

"Oh, please.  I'm surprised they haven't revoked my Spectre status.  You know I was only pushed through because Udina thought he could have someone gullible on his side."

Shepard growled at that.  "Let's pretend for a moment that's true, and I don't think for a salarian minute that it is, but let's pretend.  They haven't yet, and you've been at all the ceremonies.  You saved their lives on the Citadel when Udina did try his coup, so they already trust you."

"This is totally up your alley, Shepard.  Why else would they send you that report?"

 

#

 

Kaidan had been right.  It was a couple of days, but the council did summon him to the Citadel for an audience.  The call came in the middle of an intense make-out session in the shower.  Ever since Shepard had gotten his land-legs again, they hadn't been able to keep their hands off each other.  It was finally starting to hit home that forever was beginning, but even the knowledge that they had the rest of their lives didn't diminish the aching need to touch each other.

The council had called back an hour later, and both men were attired appropriately.  There was something going on, Kaidan thought, as he looked into the asari councilor's eyes. Tevos always had her secrets, politicians did, but there was some sort of glint in her eye that was throwing Kaidan off as he listened to them discuss the state of the recovery.  The people hit the hardest by the destruction of synthetic life were the quarians, who'd been rebuilding Rannoch with the geth.  While the bodies of the geth were being dealt with, the quarians had decided against attempting any recreation of the geth, having finally learned their lesson.  Some of the mass relays were working, but most of the major relays were still months, if not years, from rebuilding.  Scientists and engineers were frothing at the mouth with their efforts to dismantle the Reapers and the Crucible device.  Indeed, some parts were being used to rebuild the Citadel.

Through it all, Kaidan was distracted by Shepard, for a change.  The man who was normally bouncing a leg, shuffling, crossing his arms, simply couldn't sit still when dealing with politicians; that man seemed to be gone.  Shepard sat patiently, merely gazed at the asari councilor with polite interest, allowing her to go on.  Kaidan had only seen Shepard that still in the hospital.  Even in sleep, the man twitched.  Finally, she said something that completely caught both of their attention.

"...and, of course, we have the salarians working on restoring your AI."

"I beg your pardon?"  Kaidan realized he'd shot forward in his seat, and he looked back to Shepard, who was covering his mouth with his hand, amusement dancing in his eyes.

The asari feigned innocence, though there was a smile tugging on her lips as she pretended she hadn't just buried the lead.

"The salarians are working to restore EDI.  They report good progress, it is responding verbally to commands... Commander Shepard, what is so funny?"

He couldn't contain his laughter anymore, and his shoulders shook as he spoke.  "EDI was one of Cerberus's tools, designed by human-first terrorists, and you're having her restored by salarians.  The Illusive Man is frowning down on you.  I love it."

"I'll admit to feeling a little smug," the councilor said, the barest twinkle in her eyes as she said it.  "But that is immaterial.  We'll have the _Normandy_ up and running for you shortly."

Kaidan felt as if every cell in his body stood still for a moment.  "Excuse me?"

The councilor's eyes flicked to him, then returned to Shepard.  "The _Normandy_ is your command ship, isn't it, Commander Shepard?"

"As long as it's not needed elsewhere, yes."

"We've been in discussions with the Alliance, and the ship has now been transferred to your exclusive command, to aid you in any and all Spectre operations.  Your crew," she flicked her eyes to Kaidan again, "is entirely your choice.  Now that the Reaper threat is apparently over, your missions will likely be of a more diplomatic or covert nature, for which the stealth drive and QE comm systems should be useful."

"So you are sending us to look for this missing diplomat," Kaidan added.  He was pulling at the skin around his thumbnail in earnest.  A sharp intake of breath as he pulled on too big a chunk drew a baleful glance from Shepard and a tiny bit of blood.

"Spectre Alenko, if you choose to accompany Commander Shepard on this mission, that is your choice, but _you_ are not being sent anywhere."  There was a light emphasis on the pronoun, but it was there.  "No one can dispute your track record working together, but having two Spectres working together is... not common.  And let's put aside the fact that you'll be married soon.  Will you be able to set aside the personal to focus on your task at hand?"

"Ask Harbinger," Shepard replied quietly.

Tevos's head rocked back on her neck slightly, and she inclined her head, conceding the point.  "Very well," she sighed, standing.  "The krogan have sent another diplomat to negotiate, a female, for a wonder.  An Urdnot Bakara, with whom I believe you're familiar."

Shepard merely smiled.

 

#

 

Admiral Hackett's image wavered out of view as Kaidan came up behind Shepard and wrapped his arms around Shepard's chest. 

"Everything ok," he asked, pressing his cheek flat against Shepard's back.

"Yep.  Just making a special request."

"Oh?"

"I asked if Vega could be part of Bakara's security detail."

Kaidan was quiet for just a moment, then: "I assumed you'd want Vega with us on the _Normandy._ "

"I do, but I need to make sure that she's safe."

"Interesting choice, Urdnot Bakara."

"It's perfect," Shepard said, turning in Kaidan's arms to rest his hands on Kaidan's hips.  "Wrex chose the one krogan I know who _doesn't_ blame the salarians for the genophage.  She's cautious and intelligent, even-tempered, and acknowledges that krogans haven't always been their own best friends.  She's also not going to give in and accept just anything."

Out the window, the Citadel was teeming with life.  Power had obviously been restored, as had most of the basic functions of the station.  Some of the lifts were still out, so there was a lot of stair climbing at the Citadel these days.  Repair drones and shuttlecraft were busy ferrying engineers and tools around in attempts to restore the wards, and more people were returning every day.  The war was over, people were picking up the pieces of their lives and trying to put them back together.  Sooner or later, they'd start fighting with each other again, but for now, there was a sense of community.

They'd done this.

The history books would mention Shepard, he was pretty sure that was out of his hands.  They would talk about how he took down a rogue Spectre and destroyed the Reaper scout.  Of how he destroyed the Collectors.  Of how he united the galaxy and finally destroyed the Reapers.

But history didn't know that he couldn't have done it without Kaidan.

Shepard leaned forward and brushed his nose against Kaidan's, then drew him in for a soft, slow kiss.  "Now, let's get Liara on the line.  We're gonna need to do this wedding thing quick.  I'm ready for you to be mine."

"I always was," Kaidan replied, tangling his fingers in Shepard's hair and pulling him in for another kiss.  

 

 

 

 

<<<<>>>>


End file.
